6 Do’s and Don’ts of Polyamorous Relationships

Focus on the fundamental skills that make relationships work — communication, honesty, accountability, and reliability — rather than rushing into new romantic or sexual relationships. Remember, you have all the time in the world to date and explore. If you can avoid the temptation to rush in, you’re more likely to have the skills you need to adapt to new situations, prioritize joyful connections, and spare hurt feelings along the way.

Do Consider Logistics

There’s a running joke among polyamorous people: when you’re polyam, you’re mostly in a relationship with your calendar. This is, of course, meant to be cheeky, but there’s a grain of truth. There are so many logistical aspects to consider: time management and planning, work-life-love balance, birthdays and anniversaries and holidays, commutes, long distance relationships, cohabitation, as well as budgeting for dates and different financial commitments that can arise.

Having a good handle on polyamory’s more practical skills — like creating a budget, maintaining a calendar, and creating space to take care of yourself — can help keep you organized and present in your partnerships. If you’re not sure where to start, set aside time every week to prioritize your needs, wants, and goals, and plan for regular check-ins with your loved ones.

Don’t Focus On Rules

For polyam veterans and newbies alike, it’s common to emphasize rules in a relationship dynamic. While I understand the impulse — the desire to get clear about what is and isn’t okay — rules can actually undermine a relationship and end up causing even more conflict.

Rules are based on power differentials, as in you can’t do this because I say so. And if broken, rules imply the threat of punishment, as in don’t do this or else. A veto rule, for example, gives one partner the right to reject or “veto” another partner’s lover. While rules like this are often meant to protect a partner from feeling threatened or jealous, these feelings can’t be prevented — not by any rule or relationship structure. As a result, people end up feeling micromanaged, controlled, and misunderstood. Resentment, more often than not, is the result of rules.

Instead, focus on shared values, realistic expectations, safety concerns, and commitments. Think about what you need, want, and can commit to. Then ask a loved one to do the same. Negotiate the details of those agreements, get specific, ask what if questions, and allow for context and flexibility. If something isn’t working, revisit the conversation and adjust accordingly. Remember, rules reflect your fears, agreements reflect your trust.

Do Set Up a Support System

It can take time to forge a solid support system around non-monogamy. Queer folks tend to have a little bit of a head start here — most of us are no stranger to chosen families, alternative relationship structures, and showing up for one another. But it is still a transition, which is why I recommend seeking support in a few different ways. There is, of course, no end of books and online resources. (My book, The Polyamory Workbook, is great if you’re looking for something hands-on and LGBTQ+-friendly, but there are so many other resources from educators like Che Che Luna, Shrimp Teeth, and Jules Purnell, just to name a few.) You can also look for other polyam folks in your area, attend online mixers and events, or hit the apps for some new friendships.