How to avoid fights with your girlfriends
Joseph Russell
Published Mar 29, 2026
Last Updated: August 21, 2019 References
This article was co-authored by our trained team of editors and researchers who validated it for accuracy and comprehensiveness. wikiHow’s Content Management Team carefully monitors the work from our editorial staff to ensure that each article is backed by trusted research and meets our high quality standards.
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Best friend drama can be really upsetting and hard to deal with. Do your best to avoid creating drama by being a trustworthy friend, making time for your BFF, and avoiding cruel gossip. If a situation does come up that either you or your friend started, deal with it together rather than bringing in other people to take sides. Talk in person once you’ve both calmed down, explain how you feel, and really listen to what your friend has to say. Treat your friendship with respect and you guys can get through the drama together!
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u00a9 2020 wikiHow, Inc. All rights reserved. wikiHow, Inc. is the copyright holder of this image under U.S. and international copyright laws. This image is not licensed under the Creative Commons license applied to text content and some other images posted to the wikiHow website. This image may not be used by other entities without the express written consent of wikiHow, Inc.
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u00a9 2020 wikiHow, Inc. All rights reserved. wikiHow, Inc. is the copyright holder of this image under U.S. and international copyright laws. This image is not licensed under the Creative Commons license applied to text content and some other images posted to the wikiHow website. This image may not be used by other entities without the express written consent of wikiHow, Inc.
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u00a9 2020 wikiHow, Inc. All rights reserved. wikiHow, Inc. is the copyright holder of this image under U.S. and international copyright laws. This image is not licensed under the Creative Commons license applied to text content and some other images posted to the wikiHow website. This image may not be used by other entities without the express written consent of wikiHow, Inc.
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u00a9 2020 wikiHow, Inc. All rights reserved. wikiHow, Inc. is the copyright holder of this image under U.S. and international copyright laws. This image is not licensed under the Creative Commons license applied to text content and some other images posted to the wikiHow website. This image may not be used by other entities without the express written consent of wikiHow, Inc.
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Try Saying This: Hey Katie, I wanted to talk to you about something. Could we meet up after school? or I’ve been feeling upset about something that happened earlier this week. I don’t want it to affect our friendship, so could we talk about it?
Fights with your girlfriend – Everyone wants to get into a relationship but no one wants to get into a fight especially when its your girlfriend on the other side.
That’s why they say ‘Rishta Banana Nahi’ but ‘Nibhana Mushkil Hai’.
So here is your way to avoid relationship problems and live ‘Happily Ever After’, well that’s what we hope!
Fights with your girlfriend –
1. Don’t threaten your relationship
Never ever say the ‘B’ word i.e. breakup in a relationship just for the sake of it. If you do this then you will be demeaning your own relationship.
2. Don’t avoid your anger
If you are feeling angry about something then let your partner know about it in advance. This way they would not be the victim of your anger but instead help you lighten up your mood.
3. Use humor
Laughter is the best medicine not only for illness but also for resolving issues. Biggest of the mistakes and fights can be solved in minutes by using some witty lines at the right time.
4. Remain silent and lovingly disengage
If you feel that your partner is not ready to get convinced over some topic then just stay calm and politely suggest them to have this conversation some other time.
5. Don’t stockpile
Small things have a big impact. Don’t let those small irritating habits of each other go unnoticed or un-talked. This way you can resolve the issues even before they rise.
6. Abuse is NEVER allowed
Never ever say the ‘F’ word or any other word that is abusive & disrespectful. Because insults last long and it gives the relationship a very bitter taste.
7. Create a process for resolving problems without anger
Now this is up to you and your creativity as to how creatively you can come up with a way to solve your problems. E.g. A couple used to talk about their problems in a form of a song. So every time they did this they would burst into laughter and forget about the real problem.
8. Don’t raise your voice
Raising your voice not only creates a lot of tension between you & your partner but also kind of pulls you away from each other emotionally. It is very embarrassing for both if done in public.
9. Listen attentively
You must actually listen to each & every word she says and especially the ones she does not say i.e. her silence, her actions & her expressions. If you are able to do this, then your life is set.
10. Be Honest
Fights with your girlfriend – It’s the toughest but it’s the best. Because if you are being honest to her then you don’t have to hide anything from her or lie to her which eventually is the root cause of many problems. So as they say ‘Honesty is the best Policy’.
That fights can be good for your relationship is not reason to overdo them. Lovers’ fights are kind of inevitable so it’s OK if you and your bae get the occasional arguments, the occasional difference of opinions that need to be argued out and all. [Read: 14 Ways To Know If He’s Hiding Something]
To learn how to avoid unnecessary fights with your girlfriend, see the tips below:
1. Timing
Bringing up a right concern at the wrong time might derail the conversation away from the real issue onto something else. You may have a legit reason to be angry but by venting that anger at a wrong time, the argument could shift from your original concern to issues like your insensitivity to her mood and her feeling. [Read: 3 Things You Shouldn’t do When an Ex Texts You]
You do not want that. So it is important to realise that there is a time to argue and there is a time to not.
2. Cut down on the blame game
If you often say things like ‘what’s wrong with you?’ or ‘why would you do that?’ or ‘how did you think that would be a good idea?’ you set your partner up to defend herself, and create a battle of you versus her. It is an unnecessary situation to create all the times when you can ask in a way that allows conversation and explanation instead of defense. [Read: 5 Simple Ways to deal with Body Odour Totally]
3. Understand her
She’s going to have issues, upsets, and priorities that seem monumental to her, but ludicrous to you but you dare not dismiss these things. If it means something to her, let it mean something to you, too.
Saying things like ‘I don’t understand what the big deal is’ or ‘you’re overreacting’ will make her feel isolated and would cause resentment and bring about issues that could easily have been done away with.
4. Avoid repeats
It is fast going to become a cycle if you apologise and go right back to doing that thing she complained about. Nobody needs that. Just cut out the repetition and get your act right. [Read: 7 Things You Never Have To Be Sorry About In A Relationship]
5. Make your wishes known expressly
Communication is very important and yet again its application will be very useful here. Every time you get the opportunity to deal with issues and reach compromises on differing opinions and wishes, make sure to voice your feelings clearly so as to ensure that you and her on the same page, and so that you don’t get back to the same issue in the future without a knowledge of how you both feel as a couple about it.
Every opportunity you get to deal with a new issue, come together to decide what your joint stance is on it. That way, when such issue comes up again, you know how to deal with it without having to argue about it again. how to stop arguing with your girlfriend
How Avoid Fighting with Girlfriend
by Caterina Christakos
Those jeans look fine.
No, I said a phillips screwdriver.
Yeah, I guess she’s pretty.
What women hear:
You would cheat on me in a second.
Men and women have a very different way of interpreting the English language, if you haven’t guessed.
Communicating with your girlfriend or someone you hope will be your girlfriend can be a minefield.
Here are some classic answers that all men should remember, no matter what you personally think.
“Wow did you lose weight?”
This should be said in the exact moment that you look up to give her your opinion of her outfit. I know she will say,” Give me your honest opinion.” Your honesty will get you into trouble 9 times out of ten, when it comes to the way she looks.
You may think you are complimenting her by telling her she looks fine but believe me you have just handed her the world’s biggest insult.
“You are probably right.”
This allows you to appease her & still leave yourself an out if she is completely off base. Oh! also never bring out the I told you so, when you are right. You’ll be sleeping on the couch for a week.
” I was wrong.”
I know you guys hate to say this but many times you are completely in the right BUT women have been trained to believe that we are always right and that even if we aren’t that men should apologize anyway.
I don’t know how that tradition started but it is here to stay. Save yourself some grief; apologize now so you can get on to the make up sex.
While it is normal for couples to argue occasionally, constant conflict erodes relationships. Fights over small issues frequently escalate into more serious disagreements, leaving little room in the relationship for affection and romance. By examining why the arguments erupt and exploring more productive ways of communicating, you can channel your interactions in a more positive direction and recapture some of the attraction that caused you to first fall in love.
Step 1
Talk to your girlfriend about the problem when you’re not in the midst of an argument. Let her know how you feel.
Step 2
Listen with an open mind. Determine what the underlying issues are. Sometimes an argument about leaving dirty socks on the floor is really about your girlfriend feeling that you no longer care about pleasing her.
Step 3
Remember, it takes two to create an argument. Don’t rise to the challenge every time you feel provoked. If the reason for the fight is something trivial, consider just letting it go.
Step 4
Take an honest look at how the fights start. Perhaps you’re doing something to trigger the arguments. Determine whether you’re subconsciously doing things you know will irritate her.
Step 5
Try to detect whether there’s a pattern or common thread to these fights. Jealousy over flirtatious behavior or inconsiderate acts might be the cause. Maybe there’s a way to change your behavior that will reduce the source of the conflict.
Step 6
Diffuse the situation. Stop, take a breath and relax. If it’s possible to interject some humor, do so, but be careful not to be dismissive or demeaning.
Step 7
Don’t hesitate to say you made a mistake and are sorry. An apology can go a long way toward healing hurt feelings. Your girlfriend could be harboring resentment about something you did days or weeks ago that has not yet been resolved.
Step 8
Realize that there are gender differences that are reflected in the way couples communicate. You and your girlfriend might be jumping to erroneous conclusions about what you think the other means. Stop in the middle of the argument to ask clarifying questions.
Step 9
Reflect on what is going on in your girlfriend’s life. Perhaps she’s having difficulties with her parents, school or work. Although it’s not acceptable for her to argue with you as an outlet for her frustrations, demonstrating your understanding of her stress can help. Consider getting away for a short vacation, if possible, to give the two of you the opportunity to refocus and reconnect.
Step 10
Observe your girlfriend’s interactions with others. If she’s getting into petty arguments with her friends, siblings or parents, she might have an argumentative, antagonistic personality.
Step 11
Evaluate the relationship as a whole. Decide whether the good outweighs the bad and whether it’s worthwhile to invest in the future of the relationship. Perhaps the constant fighting is sapping your energy and you can no longer contribute in a positive way. This could be a sign that it’s time to end the relationship.
“Ordinary, the focus of (relationship) fights is an exaggeration of life issues…” – Lynn E. O’Connor Ph.D.
Fighting with someone you love is a wretched, sometimes devastating experience that can have serious repercussions on the relationship. Even after the fight ends, remnants of the conflict remain: negative thoughts, low energy, depression, and so on. Perhaps the worst feeling of all is guilt and worry about how your unkind words affected your partner.
Until some type of peace is declared between both partners, a tense and unfavorable environment will repel them from each other. Obviously, the overwhelming presence of negative energy is deeply unsettling. It is best, therefore, to diffuse the situation ASAP.
It is important to understand that not all conflict is necessarily bad; in fact, it can even be healthy. Couples, especially couples during the early phases of their relationship, will butt heads – a byproduct of evolving intimacy. Couples married for years will disagree about something important; potentially leading to an argument.
Dr. Hillary Goldsher, a licensed clinical psychologist explains: “It is inevitable that issues arise that require resolution when two people have an intimate connection. The question is not if conflicts are going to occur, but how to handle them when they do.”
Many harsh arguments (read: fights), however, serve little purpose – and are often instigated by a simple misunderstanding. One partner says something the other partner misinterprets, the other partner “goes off,” and things spiral downwards from there.
“Prevention is the best cure” is a phrase oft-cited within the medical community – and one that is applicable to this article’s topic. Specifically, we want to equip our readers with some basic knowledge on how to prevent (or stop) a fight with your partner.
Here are 5 ways to avoid fights with your partner:
1. Admit when you’re wrong and apologize
Apologizing when you’re wrong is one of the simplest and most effective ways to prevent or diffuse an argument. Yet, many of us have a very difficult time admitting fault – this is nothing more than a misplaced sense of pride.
Absolving yourself and admitting you are/were wrong is an incredibly powerful (and courageous) act. Even acts of a profoundly malicious nature can be forgiven if it is sincere. Indeed, we may need to swallow our pride to do the right thing; but if we love the other person, we’ll discover the fortitude necessary to do so.
2. Reach an acceptable compromise – if possible
As with admitting fault and apologizing, compromising can be an easy yet difficult endeavor. The catch is that both people must be willing to “come to the table.” Obviously, compromise is much easier (in most cases) if the matter is trivial: where to eat, what movie to see, and so on.
An important distinction must be made at this juncture. Not all relationships are healthy, and some are extremely harmful. A quickly deteriorating relationship demands a solution that casual compromise will not bring. This is a situation that requires the intervention of a marriage counselor, therapist, or other expert.
3. Don’t take your partner’s problems personally
We spend quite a bit of time with our significant other. As a relationship unfolds, through the days, months, and years, their life becomes our life. However, we can involve ourselves a bit too much – and in situations of little consequence.
A typical scene: one partner comes home from a bad day at the office. The other attempts to engage them in conversation only to receive no response. [Pause]
What are the odds that “the other” partner will take this silent “rebuff” personally? Well, if “the other” is in a sensitive or delicate state, it’s likely they’ll perceive it as such. The result: a needless fight that accomplishes nothing.
Jane Greer, Ph.D. and couples therapist explains: “You have to give your partner the leeway to be in the occasional bad mood. If you expect (them) to cater to your feelings 24/7, you’re being disrespectful and selfish.”
4. Respect each other’s space and privacy
Dr. Terri Orbuch, a psychologist and research professor at the University of Michigan, has been studying marriage and divorce for over three decades. One particularly eminent study, The Early Years of Marriage Project, tapped Orbuch as a lead researcher.
During her research, Dr. Orbuch and her colleagues concluded that “Having enough space or privacy in a relationship is more important for a couple’s happiness than a good sex life.”
Dr. Orbuch explains: “When partners have their own sets of interests, friends, and time for self, that makes them happier and less bored. Time alone also gives partners time to process their thoughts, pursue hobbies and relax without responsibilities to others.”
Of course, a happier and more relaxed couple is far less likely to engage in fighting.
5. Practice mindfulness
As mentioned, negative emotions instigate and exacerbate a conflict, and leave a dastardly environment of negative energy after the fight is “over.” Hence, why we’re including mindfulness as a solution.
Mindfulness (or mindfulness-meditation) is the practice of observing one’s thoughts without judgment. Negative thoughts and energy are abundant during and after a heavy conflict – and learning how to “manage” these thoughts can both deter and mitigate any argument.
Proper mindfulness training will allow you to see these thoughts as mere thoughts, not as absolutely “truth” which, unfortunately, the mind has a way of misinterpreting.
Dr. Lynn O’Connor explains: “(Thoughts) become like clouds in the sky – here one moment, gone the next…gaining control of your mind through meditation is one way to cope with a fight.”
Being in a long-term relationship is tough. Whether you have been dating for a long time, are engaged, or are married, you aren’t born knowing how to make your relationship successful.
If you are looking to improve your relationship, here are eight proven and simple tips that will empower you both to be better partners make your relationship stronger.
Simple Tips To Improve Your Relationship
1. Try to Resolve Fights, Rather than Avoid Them
Have you ever been surprised by a sudden breakup? Everything seemed like it was going well, and then everything went downhill out of nowhere. You and your significant other have never fought, so where did this come from?
Relationships aren’t about how often you fight, it’s about how you recover. Although you might think it better for the relationship to let small things go, you need to address problems head on, or they will surface when you least expect it.
2. Don’t Hold Grudges
When something hurts your feelings or bothers you, talk to your partner about it. You can’t expect them to read your mind, and if it’s something habitual, you can’t expect them to change it on their own.
Bottling up an issue will make you resent your partner. Instead, you need to address what’s bothering you head on.
3. Spend Some Time Apart
This might seem unromantic, but it’s absolutely true. As studies repeatedly show, spending time apart and keeping your hobbies separate is the secret to a healthier and happier relationship.
As strange as it may sound, the more time you spend apart, the more you learn to value the time you spend together. Nothing could be healthier for a relationship than making those moments count.
4. Learn Your Love Languages
In 1994, Gary Chapman wrote a book called The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. He argues that every person speaks in a different love language, and that many relationship conflicts result from cross communication. These love languages are: gift giving, quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch, and acts of service.
Everyone has a way of expressing and receiving love, and learning the right love language will dramatically improve your communication skills.
5. Find Something to Talk About
The philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche wrote: “When marrying you should ask yourself this question: do you believe you are going to enjoy talking with this person into your old age? Everything else in a marriage is transitory, but most of the time that you’re together will be devoted to conversation.”
Always have something going, a mutual interest, a television show, a topic to talk about. If you are running out of things to talk about, find something new to be passionate about together.
6. Listen to Each Other
Sometimes your partner just needs someone to listen to them, not someone to give them advice. Always be ready to give them your ear, and pay attention to what they’re saying.
Always try to take an active interest in their day, ask them about work, how they feel, what their plans are, and genuinely listen and remember what they tell you.
7. Making Love Frequently Will Improve Your Relationship
You should be having sex frequently, and if you’re not, it can cause an extra amount of stress in your marriage. However, if you are waiting for sex to spontaneously happen, it often can be difficult to get into the mood, which is why many relationship experts actually recommend scheduling sex.
As unromantic as it sounds, setting a specific time will ensure that you don’t get so caught up in the stress of work and family that you ignore each other’s basic needs. Scheduling romance sessions will help you mitigate this stress, and reap the health benefits of a regular sex pattern. Regular, rather than spontaneous sex, will help achieve hormone balance, making it easy for everyone to get in the mood.
8. Remember Things Can’t Always be Equal
The majority of fights in a relationship are about money.
It’s important to treat your marriage like a single enterprise, rather than separate enterprises. Although getting a joint bank account isn’t always economically ideal, you have to treat your expenses as shared expenses.
A five dollar bill is the same amount of money as any other five dollar bill, no matter who earned it. If you earn more than your partner, understand that they work just as many hours as you and can’t always match what you earn. When budgeting, try not to think about “your money” versus “their money,” but about how you are going to use what you’ve earned together to cover your shared expenses.
Twenty Ways to Grow and Show Love One to Another Daily. You’ll Be Increasing Love and Happiness, and Promoting Couple Unity.
The truth is, every couple fights once in a while. Sometimes about serious things and other times about trivial things. Even couples who get along well and have a stable marriage have different opinions at some point.
Disagreements can escalate to a fight, especially if a couple fails to let go of previous problems like an ex-girlfriend, a run-in with the mother-in-law or a disagreement over finances. To avoid a big blow-up, stay calm. Take a minute to be alone until you can compose yourself.
Arguments aren’t totally bad however. They just mean you’ve reached a point of familiarity at which you both feel comfortable saying exactly what you think and being who you are. Arguments don’t happen to people who aren’t extremely close. For example, you would never argue with someone you just met. Married couples face life together, and with that, many situations where both spouses are still learning.
Here are a few tips to help put respect above problems and avoid unnecessary fights:
Avoid fighting with your spouse in front of your children.
Avoid arguing in front of family members or friends. If you want to talk about something sensitive, do it in private.
Admit when you’re wrong and apologize.
Avoid believing what other people tell you. If you have questions about your relationship, ask your partner directly.
Avoid taking problems personally.
Be positive and believe that everything will turn out just as you hope.
Try to understand your spouse’s temperament. If you know something will irritate your spouse, don’t do it.
Accept your spouse as is.
Decide not to fight, and keep your word.
Identify the negative aspects of your spouse’s personality and accept them with tolerance.
Never provoke each other with hatred or bitterness. Don’t bring up the past.
Discuss only the problem in a civilized manner.
Be sensitive of your spouse’s needs.
Try to come to an agreement where the compromise is balanced fairly for both partners.
Love your spouse and practice the language of love – both spoken and physical.
Respect space and privacy.
Encourage hobbies, and respect your partner’s taste for certain foods, clothing or entertainment.
Treat problems seriously. Give adequate importance to what your spouse says and feels.
Come to an agreement and then hug and kiss each other. Show the love you feel.
Don’t forget the basics. Treat your spouse with respect, courtesy and politeness. Put the situation in perspective. Ask yourself if it’s really worth it to destroy a day of your lives together for something that will soon be over. Determine whether the reason for the fight will be important in 10 or 20 years.
Just remember, fights in a marriage cannot be about winning or losing. Choose your battles depending on what’s truly important in the both partners’ lives. Be kind.
There is no fight that can’t be resolved if both partners are responsible and recognize their mistakes, give a little, and speak the language of love.
5 ways to avoid unnecessary fights with your girlfriend [Credit: Ad Age]
Trashing out issues so as to become a more harmonious couple is cool, but even cooler than that is the need to be sure that the arguments and fights do not occur too frequently or too unnecessarily. That fights can be good for your relationship is not reason to overdo them. This can cause a strain on your relationship and can drain all the positivity in it.
To learn how to avoid unnecessary fights with your girlfriend, see the tips below:
1. Timing
Bringing up a right concern at the wrong time might derail the conversation away from the real issue onto something else. You may have a legit reason to be angry but by venting that anger at a wrong time, the argument could shift from your original concern to issues like your insensitivity to her mood and her feeling.
You do not want that. So it is important to realise that there is a time to argue and there is a time to not.
2. Cut down on the blame game
If you often say things like ‘what’s wrong with you?’ or ‘why would you do that?’ or ‘how did you think that would be a good idea?’ you set your partner up to defend herself, and create a battle of you versus her. It is an unnecessary situation to create all the times when you can ask in a way that allows conversation and explanation instead of defense.
3. Understand her
She’s going to have issues, upsets, and priorities that seem monumental to her, but ludicrous to you but you dare not dismiss these things. If it means something to her, let it mean something to you, too.
Saying things like ‘I don’t understand what the big deal is’ or ‘you’re overreacting’ will make her feel isolated and would cause resentment and bring about issues that could easily have been done away with.
4. Avoid repeats
It is fast going to become a cycle if you apologise and go right back to doing that thing she complained about. Nobody needs that. Just cut out the repetition and get your act right.
5. Make your wishes known expressly
Communication is very important and yet again its application will be very useful here. Every time you get the opportunity to deal with issues and reach compromises on differing opinions and wishes, make sure to voice your feelings clearly so as to ensure that you and her on the same page, and so that you don’t get back to the same issue in the future without a knowledge of how you both feel as a couple about it.
Every opportunity you get to deal with a new issue, come together to decide what your joint stance is on it. That way, when such issue comes up again, you know how to deal with it without having to argue about it again.
It’s the moment you’ve been waiting for, and perhaps dreading (a bit) — traveling with your significant other. Maybe it’s the first time you’re traveling together, or maybe it’s the hundredth. Whatever the case may be, there are several common fights couples have when traveling, and here’s how to avoid them. After all, you’re used to doing things your own way, but now you’ll have to compromise. Maybe one of you is a night person while the other is a morning person, but if you want to actually spend time
on your trip, one or both of you will probably have to adjust to the other person’s schedule.
“I highly recommend that if you haven’t traveled with your partner, that you go on your honeymoon BEFORE the wedding,” Johnny Jet, celebrity travel expert, tells Bustle. “You really get to know someone’s true colors when you travel with them. Especially if it’s a more difficult destination, say India,” he says.
Genius idea, right? A recent study, too, discovered the importance of being travel-compatible, so to speak. Liligo, a travel comparison tool that helps travelers find the cheapest and fastest routes to their destination, did some research with YouGov last July. Over 1,000 people 18 or older were surveyed, with Millennials being in the 18-to-34-year-old range. Over one-third of Millennials agree that travel habits could make or break a relationship. As an avid traveler, I agree! And if you think back to trips you took with exes, or with your current partner, perhaps you agree, too!
So What’s The Solution?
One answer is going on a practice trip first. “You may want to start off with a shorter trip first, say a long weekend instead of a seven-day vacation, in case things should happen to go south for whatever reason,” David Bakke, travel expert at Money Crashers, tells Bustle. “That way, you can get back on your home turf and figure out what went wrong before lasting damage is done to the relationship.” Again, genius advice — starting with a small trip could literally determine your future travel compatibility. I like it!
Below are common things couples argue about when traveling, and how to avoid them. Because, TBH, the whole point of vacationing — vacating from your regular life — is to have fun, not to fight. Right?!
A fight can weaken your relationship, or it can strengthen it — and its impact depends on how you behave afterward. The aftermath of an argument can be tense, but the fact that you just fought doesn’t mean you have to behave coldly or unkindly. In fact, if you’re careful about how you talk to each other, you can use the opportunity to start to mend your relationship.
“Arguments can even elevate relationships if they’re handled with tenderness and kindness. When people feel less understood by their partner after an argument, they feel less happiness, but people who feel more understood by their partner don’t feel that happiness dip,” practicing psychologist and Harvard lecturer Holly Parker, PhD, author of If We’re Together, Why Do I Feel So Alone?, tells Bustle. “If you confront upsetting issues in a real but kind way that takes your and your partner’s feelings into account, this creates far less weirdness than a drag-out fight in which two people are yelling at each other and trading snips, resentments, and insults.”
Here are some things you can do after a fight that help you move on and use the conflict to your advantage.
You may feel tempted to get in the last word or even punish your partner by making them wait for your forgiveness, but that could make you both unhappy not just in the moment but also in the future. “One of the best gifts you can give to yourself and your partner is to re-connect and restore harmony as soon as you can, rather than allow discord and fights to linger,” says Parker. “When we allow fights to amplify, this is called negative affect reciprocity, and it predicts eroding happiness in a relationship. So aim to make up before a fight escalates.”
“Enjoyable feelings can help our body relax and feel less keyed up, even during tense moments with our partner,” says Parker. So, if you have the urge to drag on the fight even though everything that needs to be said has been said, try thinking of a time your partner did something nice for you, something you appreciate about them, or even a good memory unrelated to them. Or, do something that makes you happy, like having a cup of tea or playing with a pet.
If your goal is truly to make up, don’t rehash the argument. Don’t say “I’m sorry, but…” or “it’s just that you always…” This’ll just drag the fight on. “Choose your words carefully, striving to be sincere and kind,” says Parker. “Don’t use tactics that tend to wound feelings and escalate friction, like insulting a partner, throwing the past in their face, yelling, inserting sarcastic zingers, making harsh, critical comments, pointing the proverbial finger and blaming, or checking out and not listening.”
To help your partner feel heard, Parker recommends imagining yourself as someone outside the relationship who cares about you both. Ask yourself what they might see that you can’t see from your own perspective, and acknowledge any valid points your partner has.
For example, you might say, “So, when you didn’t call to let me know you’d be coming home late from work, it was because you got caught up with a project and lost track of the time. I see where you’re coming from. I’ve certainly lost track of time, too.”
What do you hope will come out of the fight? More validation of your emotions? Fewer misunderstandings when you’re making plans? Whatever it is, think about a mutually beneficial goal you can achieve to avoid future conflict. “Rather than burying your own needs or your partner’s, or trying to win and or come out on top, it’s about working together to find a result that feels satisfying for you both,” says Parker.
If being around your partner makes it too hard to resist fighting, spend some time away from them. If you live together, take a shower or a walk, and you may be less tempted to lash out afterward. Parker recommends saying, “I’m still feeling upset right now and I just think I need to calm down a little. It’s nothing against you — I just need to hit my reset button. Is that cool?”
A lot of us behave in ways we wish we hadn’t during fights. “Even though we can share and hear anger and hurt without letting hostilities boil, it’s certainly not easy,” says Parker. “Try not to be too hard on yourself and welcome yourself to the human race. It can happen, and the key is bring the tension back down and get back to the business of making up and becoming closer.”
Remember, arguing in of itself isn’t a problem. Instead of thinking of an argument as a way to vent your anger, think of it as a way to discuss what’s not working so you can arrive at a solution that does work, all while maintaining respect for each other.
How awful, you ever had the feeling you do everything to satisfy your girlfriends needs, work hard to make a lot of money for both of you, spending time with clients, etc.
And then just boom.
You’re blamed for everything, and you’re dumped.
Well, I’ll better stop crying my heart out, just wanted to maybe help other people in a similar situation, to reconsider things, and get some free time during the week.
I found this great blog post about it recently:
How to Avoid Fights with your Girlfriend about Work
System Edited : Link deactivated as per forum rule.
Joined On: 12 June, 2007
Location: South New Jersey
Posted: 28 Jun 2007 12:48 Post Subject:
I wonder if it works for wives as well.
Joined On: 30 June, 2007
Posted: 30 Jun 2007 09:25 Post Subject:
You’re blamed for everything, and you’re dumped?
Fr what exactly were you blamed. I can give you a useful advise, because I am a wife, and my husband does also as you everything to satisfy our needs, to get money.
Joined On: 21 March, 2007
Posted: 30 Jun 2007 12:49 Post Subject:
Wonder if u got an insurance for the same. ur girl friend dumps u.. a company provides uu a better one 🙂 hehehe
Joined On: 30 June, 2007
Posted: 30 Jun 2007 12:57 Post Subject:
Wonder if u got an insurance for the same. ur girl friend dumps u.. a company provides uu a better one Smile hehehe
he-he =))))))))))))))))))
Joined On: 06 June, 2007
Posted: 30 Jun 2007 02:07 Post Subject:
Good luck with your situation, I hope everything turns out for the best.
Agent Clint 😉 [/b]
Joined On: 30 June, 2007
Posted: 01 Jul 2007 07:29 Post Subject:
ppakker, are there any news about you and your girlfrend? Is everything alright already?
Joined On: 16 April, 2007
Posted: 02 Jul 2007 05:44 Post Subject:
well I have appointed my ex-gf as my personal finance manager I believe Wives are always good to save money than us
Joined On: 30 June, 2007
Posted: 02 Jul 2007 11:16 Post Subject:
*well I have appointed my ex-gf as my personal finance manager *
You have a personal finance manager? =)
Joined On: 26 June, 2007
Posted: 12 Jul 2007 02:07 Post Subject:
thanks for replies.
I just took some time off, did a small vacation, spents some time alone in the nature and stuff.
I went out with my friends, who i really didn’t care about for a lot of time.
I really enjoy being single now, so basically i don’t really care about this time of my life. I’ll just draw the inference, and be smarter next time 🙂
Joined On: 16 September, 2007
Posted: 16 Sep 2007 12:33 Post Subject:
You know, sometimes I wish I was single
Life was a lot cheaper back then 🙂
5 ways to avoid unnecessary fights with your boyfriend (powerofpositivity)
Think about the good
Try to be a good companion and support him during this phase of his life. When tempers are down, you can amicably discuss the issue with him.
- Take a short break
Give your partner a day or two to think about the issue and calm down. He will reflect on why he is angry and how to approach the situation in a mature way.
Communication is key in any relationship, send him messages to find out about his general wellbeing and work-related issues. Give him some privacy is not a breakup.
Don’t take too long because he might contact other women for help and they will take advantage and steal him from you.
- Ask yourself if you can live without him
Before you start yelling or saying all sorts of things to your boyfriend because he forgot to get you a cake on your anniversary or he didn’t get you the exact brand of Brazilian hair you request, ask yourself if you would be happy with him?
Your life should revolve around but he is the perfect guy for you and to err is human. If you value the important role he plays in your life, you will always pamper him and wish him well to put smiles on your face.
- What are the causes of your fights?
Think carefully about the root cause of your problems and uproot it immediately. Do you have a bad habit do you need to work on to save your relationship? Find it now and thrash it.
Without sacrifice and commitment, no relationship can survive the test of time. Go for a date one Saturday evening and discuss how to make your relationship thrive.
- Back off when you are in a bad mood
As human as we are, there are some days when your tempers will be out of bounds. Just refrain yourself from getting into any conversations with your partner. If your partner starts a discussion that touches a tender nerve, just tell him/her something along the lines of “Look, it is best if we don’t talk right now.
In a perfect world, you’d never have to see an ex after a breakup. However, when you have kids with someone, they’ll likely always be in your life in some way or another, especially if your children are young and still need both of you most of the time. Although navigating how to co-parent with an ex is no simple feat, with a few helpful tips, you can learn how to stop arguing with your ex once and for all. At the end of the day, you have to try to put an end to negative forms of communication and the anxiety and stress that can come along with them. It’s all about mastering the art of changing how you respond, rather than wishing your ex would change their ways.
Follow these tips for how to avoid arguing with your ex while co-parenting together.
Alter Your Method of Communication
Look back over the course of your co-parenting relationship. When do you seem to argue the most? Is there a particular mode of communication that makes it easier for you to disintegrate into accusations and name-calling? If so, then you need to change the method of communication to one that helps you stay more calm, cool, and collected.
If your ex calls your home late at night, turn off the ringer and follow up the next day through an email. If they constantly hound you with text messages, limit your response to a simple acknowledgment that you received the message and ask to discuss the matter further next time you see each other in person.
Defer the Conversation
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Another useful tactic for dealing with an argumentative ex is to defer the conversation to another time. For instance, if your ex typically uses the children’s drop-off or pick-up time to initiate troublesome conversations, you can suggest that you both wait to discuss the matter in private, over the phone, or through email. This way, you won’t end up arguing in front of your children in or in a public place.
You might also find it helpful to schedule a weekly email or telephone co-parenting meeting to avoid unnecessary arguments, while still including each other in important decisions.
Refuse to Defend Yourself
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Rather than spending time and energy defending yourself or your actions to an ex when they accuse you of doing something wrong, you can choose not to engage in this unhealthy form of communication. By resisting the urge to explain yourself, fight with them, or insult them, you’ll work towards changing an existing pattern for your interactions that can lead to less arguing in the long run.
“Each of you has valuable strengths as a parent,” says licensed psychologist Deborah Serani. “Remember to recognize the different traits you and your ex have, and reinforce this awareness with your children. Speaking positively about your ex children that despite your differences, you can still appreciate positive things about your ex.”
Acknowledge Your Ex’s Perspective
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A lot of escalated arguments can be avoided simply by acknowledging what the other person is trying to say, or how they are feeling in the moment. For example, if your ex blames you for not making the kids do their homework before dinner, you can respond by saying something like, “I hear what you’re saying. You’d like me to make sure the kids do their homework before dinner. You’ve made your point, but we don’t need to discuss it further right now.”
Then, later on, you can think about your ex’s complaint and take their advice if you think it’s in your kids’ best interests. If not, you can simply acknowledge their request and try to understand their standpoint.
Let It Go
Finally, in order to protect yourself from the unnecessary anxiety and mental drain that comes from constantly battling with an ex, there may be times when it’s best to simply “let it go” and agree to disagree. As individuals, there will always be things to disagree about, especially when it comes to how you want to raise your kids.
Choosing to let go of areas where the two of you don’t exactly agree can help you focus on the influence you do have over your kids and will give you the power to stop arguing with your ex.
Tony and May were at each other within five minutes of sitting down in my office. Although divorced for four years, they are still seething.
“He never shows up on time for the kids. It doesn’t matter if it’s to pick them up from a game or to take them for the weekend. He’s always late. He has no consideration.” That’s May.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” says Tony. “Never?” Look, I’m doing the best I can, but you know I can’t leave my computer on the dot. That long-distance job I have means I need a little flexibility. That’s what’s paying your child support!”
“My child support? My child support? That money is supporting our children, remember?” May turns to me. “See? Always the victim!”
This couple was referred to me because their kids are showing signs of distress. At ages 9 and 7, they are fully aware of the conflict between their parents. How could they not be? There are frequent heated phone calls. Every hand-off of the kids includes offensive and defensive words. The older boy told his school counselor that he’s worried his dad will be homeless because his mom is always asking his dad for money. His younger sister’s teacher is worried because she is getting more and more withdrawn.
The parents agreed to come see me because they both love their kids and they don’t want their divorce to, as Tony said, “screw them up for life.” But beyond that most basic agreement, they can’t seem to agree on anything.
These two seem hopelessly caught up in their fight. Although they absolutely agree that they can’t live together, they can’t seem to separate, either. Their struggles to separate emotionally are hijacked by their need to feel in control, or at least not to feel controlled. They were shocked when I suggested to them that they are as married now as they ever were. A legal document doesn’t finalize anything as long as former spouses are glued together by hate and passionate anger.
If you recognize yourself in this scenario, even a little, you owe it to yourself and your kids to extricate yourself from the fight. Even if you win a “battle” now and then, you — and everyone else in the picture — are losing. Parents who are caught in warfare with a former partner can’t reestablish a solid positive self-esteem and can’t move on to a healthier, happier relationship with someone new. Kids who are bystanders in their parents’ fights often get symptomatic as children and pessimistic about relationships when they are adults. You all deserve better.
A word of caution: The following is not an appropriate approach if you or your former partner uses violence or the threat of violence to get his or her way. In that case, a professional needs to be involved to keep everyone safe while the two of you negotiate a less contentious relationship.
If you want to truly emotionally divorce but keep getting pulled into yet another battle with your ex, there are steps you can take to get out of the intense but negative relationship:
- Focus on your children’s welfare.
Your fights with their other parent are hurting them. Get those children out of the middle. Don’t comment about the other parent. Don’t send messages to their other parent through them. Don’t confide in them about your problems, your finances or, especially, your sex life. They are children, not arbitrators, messengers or counselors. They should not be expected to take sides in your arguments or shore up your self-esteem. - Resolve to drop your end of the battle.
You already know from experience that angry words, threats or even friendly reminders won’t change a thing. Think of it this way: If you jiggle the handle of a locked door and find you can’t open it, how many more times do you jiggle it before giving up?
Jiggling doesn’t work. You have to find another way. The same is true of your ex’s point of view and behavior. That “door” won’t open by continuing the same approach. You have to find another way.
Your determination to be seen as “right” or to “win” arguments hasn’t gotten you anywhere but deeper in the struggle. It does not really matter if your ex agrees with your opinions. If you continue to think so, you’ve given him or her way too much power.
Do not engage in analysis of your ex’s personality, critiques of his or her current or past life choices or complaints about current or past behavior. Define the practical problem and focus on engaging your ex in finding realistic solutions.
Your ex has learned that all he or she has to do is poke one of them and you will be derailed from talking about a problem that really does need to be solved. It’s important to know your buttons well so you can see the poke (provocation) for what it is — an invitation to fight about a problem instead of an effort to solve it.
One client told me that she has defused her “buttons” by quietly counting how many times her ex tries to poke at them. Other people meditate, pray, or focus on deep breathing. If you can’t do it for real, you can always fake it. (You can blow off steam later when your ex isn’t around to enjoy it.) Do whatever you need to do to present yourself as the mature person you are. Eventually it will become a habit.
Remind your ex that the kids need the two of you to stay out of fights and to stick to agreements. It’s therefore important to only make agreements you can stick to. Offer options. Ask for, and stay open to, your ex’s suggestions. Make sure the agreement is a genuine one. If provoked, go back to finding and practicing ways to avoid reacting.
Sometimes it’s better to let the ex “win.” (Not all issues are worth fighting about.) Sometimes it’s better to trade: I’ll give on this. Can you give on that? If it starts to feel out of balance, deal with that issue directly instead of indirectly through another fight about something else.
Still fighting? If you and your ex just can’t seem to disengage from mutual animosity, then it’s time to get some help. There are unconscious but powerful reasons that perfectly reasonable people stay in a perfectly unreasonable fight. An experienced therapist can keep you both safe while you tease out what you are avoiding, protecting or replaying by staying embattled. Once the core issues are identified, the two of you may be able to deal with them more effectively and with less emotional cost to everyone involved. The therapist can then help you find ways to cooperate when you need to.
Former partners don’t have to be friends or even very friendly to get on with their own lives and to protect their children. They do need to find a way to make solving problems more important than winning the fight. When they do, they can finally get themselves truly divorced.
Remember, like our parents have told us every time that it is us who are responsible for the actions we do, it is our lips for the things we speak. Likewise, it is we who are responsible for maintaining good and healthy relationships with others. The relationship could be with our parents, siblings, or friends. However, when we specifically talk about siblings, maintaining a perfect loving relationship is a myth. Yes, you cannot share a lovey-dovey relationship with your sibling, and even if you do, are you even siblings?
Well, all tend to share a love-hate relationship with our siblings, and that is the best definition for the sibling relationship, right? Yes, right! Well, this can be well illustrated by us finding 101 ways of killing our siblings to look for the best rakhi gifts for them when Raksha Bandhan is around the corner. Aren’t we strange? Yes, that is how we can give justice to this cute yet fun-filled relationship. So, generally, fighting with your sibling is much more normal than not fighting with them at all. However, fighting with them all the time could even lend you a severe problem. If you have happened to generate this fighting issue with your sibling, then, here are ways you can stop fighting with them. So, let’s check out some of these and try to make peace with your sibling.
Be a peaceful sibling:
If your younger or the elder sibling is the one with a bad temperament, then you can be the one with more of a peaceful sibling. Not only will your parents adore you for that, but also, your sibling may find it difficult to offend you and say that you could start a fight. You can be more peaceful by not getting offended by everything they do. This will also help your sibling to understand that they are lucky to find a peaceful sibling like you.
Following basics laws and rules:
There are always some sets of rules and protocols that you have given to your sibling and have received from them at the same time, right? If you tend to follow all these guidelines, you will observe your sibling become more casual about yours. I am sure these kinds of relationships are the easiest to maintain where you and your sibling don’t break any protocol. Your parents would also be happier to see you having such a perfect bonding with your sibling.
Respecting your sibling:
Be it any kind of fight; your sibling must know that you love and respect them a lot. By respecting, I am not asking you to stop fighting with them; rather, just mark the limit with you, and your sibling should not cross. I bet no fight will last longer if you both have mutual respect for each other.
Be the best secret keepers:
See, no matter how bad a fight you may get into with your sibling, do NOT ever leak out your sibling’s secrets to your parents. Yes, that’s a sin and could bring a gap in our relationship with your sibling. That’s probably one sort of respect that you should maintain with your sibling.
By supporting each other:
Well, fights and arguments are on one side and having each other’s back on one side. The main mantra of forming strong and well-built relationships with your sibling is by supporting them at times nobody else is going to.
Drop the argument:
If you happen to notice that you and your sibling might end up having a bad argument on any random discussion, then it would be better, you drop the argument right there. By doing this, you can save many plans from getting canceled. Do be wise and drop the heated arguments in the chilled oceans.
So, bring all the hate and love in your relationship with your sibling and make your relationship a lot more cherishable. If you reside in different cities, you can still make Raksha Bandhan special for them as you can send rakhi to them along with a heart-touching gift.
Although some jealousy over ex-girlfriends might be common in most romantic relationships, if excessive jealously is causing constant fighting, you need to address it. Engage in open dialogue with your current girlfriend to determine the cause of her jealousy and find ways to resolve the conflict. The dating process should be an enjoyable experience for both partners as you explore your compatibility and assess the future potential of your relationship. This isn’t possible when you’re constantly arguing.
Step 1
Examine your own behavior and try to see the situation from your girlfriend’s point of view. Perhaps you said or did something to make your current girlfriend jealous. For example, if you still work with an ex, or an ex contacts you often for advice or assistance, this ongoing contact can feel threatening to your current girlfriend.
Step 2
Don’t talk about your ex-girlfriends even if it’s in a negative way. If you keep mentioning your ex-girlfriends’ names, you’re constantly reminding your current girlfriend about their existence.
Step 3
Put away — or throw away — mementos, letters or photographs of all your ex-girlfriends. Once a relationship is over, it’s best to put reminders out of sight, especially if your current girlfriend is upset by your past. These items might no longer have any sentimental value for you, but to your current girlfriend they suggest that you still have feelings for your ex.
Step 4
Determine whether your girlfriend is making comparisons between herself and your ex. If she lacks confidence and fears that she doesn’t measure up, she’ll need reassurance from you about just how wonderful you believe she is. If she initiates comparisons by asking specific questions, don’t allow yourself to get trapped into answering, unless it’s to reassure her that you honestly believe she’s superior in every way. Build her confidence by giving her lots of sincere compliments.
Step 5
Try to discover why your girlfriend is jealous. She might just have a jealous nature, or perhaps she was hurt by a cheating boyfriend in a past relationship. Examine your response to her anger. Being supportive and kind rather than defensive and argumentative might lessen her suspicion and anger.
Step 6
Treat your girlfriend with respect and honesty. Dr. Phil suggests that keeping your girlfriend informed of your whereabouts can help reduce her jealousy.
For Men: 5 Ways To Avoid Unnecessary Fights With Your Girlfriend – Romance – Nairaland
| For Men: 5 Ways To Avoid Unnecessary Fights With Your Girlfriend by gideonjeta( m ): 3:00am On Dec 28, 2018 |
