How to break free from your own constraints and live the life you want

Best Selling Author of The Suitcase Entrepreneur, CEO, Speaker, Global Adventurer Read full profile

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I’d like you to imagine waking up tomorrow with no limitations whatsoever.

How would you spend your day?

Who would you spend it with?

Where in the world would you be?

How would you feel?

Over the past 6 years I have asked hundreds of people this question. And guess what? 99% of them have no idea how to answer it. They have never thought about what their perfect day looks like, let alone how to describe it in vivid detail.

Somewhere along the way, people stopped chasing their dreams. They stopped imagining what their perfect day looks like and they started handing over the reigns to society who told them what to do and how to live. I found myself in this place too, where I’d given away my freedom. And I wanted it back.

What Exactly Is Freedom

According to the Oxford Dictionary, it’s the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants. But is that really what true freedom means to you?

I shared in my TEDx talk The Surprising Truth About Freedom that I believe freedom is a right not a privilege, and it’s up to YOU to create your own freedom plan.

I personally spent the last 6 years living out of a suitcase, traveling the world to 69 countries. I did this because I wanted to explore the world and experiment with living and working from anywhere and everywhere until I designed and created my perfect freedom business that supports my ideal lifestyle. Then in early 2017, I chose to flip my life 180 degrees when I bought a beautiful house and 2.5 acres of land in New Zealand with my partner, got five chickens and an adorable puppy and put down roots.

I discovered a different type of freedom that’s based around family, friends and a sense of community, as well as a profound connection to being on nature’s doorstep for my ideal lifestyle.

Why Freedom Feels So Elusive

As I’ve already stated, your version of freedom is totally unique to you, so it’s up to you to choose.

Freedom for some people it’s sailing around the world. For others it’s living in a yurt in the forest. For others it’s the right to vote. To get married, or stay single. To have a beautiful home or to have no home at all.

When I ask people if they feel free, they almost always respond with saying that the answer depends on something out of their control. For example “when I have more money and feel financially free”. Or “when I can make my own schedule and do what I want”. Or “when I’ve quit my job and can do my own thing”. Or “when I don’t have to be stuck in one place”.

THEN I’ll be/ feel free.

Here’s the thing that most people don’t realize though:

Freedom is a state of mind rather than a specific condition of existence.

True freedom starts with your thoughts, and freeing yourself from your own inner critic, or limiting beliefs that tell you what you are and aren’t capable of. We may not have been born with the same privileges, access to education, money or political rights, but we are all given the same amount of time in a day to pursue our dreams and make them a reality. And if we can’t control our external circumstances, we can definitely control our internal ones.

Freedom is the possibility to have choice and purpose helps you choose. Freedom is the space around you, where your purpose is your compass showing you where to move in that space.

Choosing Your Version of Freedom

I’m obsessed with Freedom and the definition of it. I created the Right2Freedom survey to ask people this very question. Over 500+ responses later and there is ONE universal truth emerging.

Freedom usually is split into positive and negative freedom. “Freedom from” (absence of constraints) and “freedom to” (freedom to do what we want). There is also a third level “freedom to be”, which is also a positive freedom but on a deeper emotional level; inner freedom.

It is this inner freedom that I believe is the most important, and that we intend to research further.

Your definition of freedom may be completely different to mine, but one thing remains the same, it’s our ability to CHOOSE that makes us feel truly free. Through the answers we’ve collected so far we’ve identified four elements of freedom.

1. Flexibility – What you want, when you want and where you want. In short this is independence and choices free from restrictions.
2. Self-actualization – This is about fulfilling your dreams, being free to pursue your passion while being free from judgement. This is strongly linked to doing work of your choice – a career or business you love.
3. Responsibility – Creating stability for yourself and others by having control of your own security, health and financial situation ultimately makes you feel more free.
4. Contribution – The ability to contribute, help others and to make an impact is a feeling of freedom on a whole other level.

Going For More Freedom

How do you go for achieving more freedom? Follow these baby steps:

Step 1 – Awareness of (your) definition of freedom (what do you want)

Not many people have truly thought about the definition of freedom and what it means to them personally, but when asked, most can tell you a few things that makes them feel free. These are usually literal things they attribute to the meaning of freedom.

So ask yourself the question “What makes me feel free?” Then write down your answers, discuss them with friends and start the conversation with people who matter in your life.

Step 2 – Understanding of (your) needs and purpose of freedom (why do you want it)

Not everyone thinks about why they define freedom a certain way, but everyone does have a deeper reason for why they desire freedom.

If you understand your needs and reason for wanting those “freeing” things in life, it is easier to achieve them.

Again, write down your why. Why do you want more freedom?

Step 3 – Action: map out personal plan (how can you get it)

Mapping out a plan needs to be done on an individual level based on your needs and wants, so who is better suited to do it but you?

It starts by getting very clear on your ideal lifestyle and what that looks like to you. Let the questions at the beginning guide you to finding your answers.

For more expert guidance, you can start by picking up a copy of my book The Suitcase Entrepreneur: Create Freedom in Business and Adventure In Life. In it I talk you through the three stages of Mindset, Business and Lifestyle that have personally led me to being a Freedomist, and thousands of others.

Are you stuck? Trapped in what’s become the norm in your life?

It’s almost like being intoxicated with acceptance that holds us within our routines. But we have the control and the ability to break free and make progress to a new and better normal. Sure, parts of our normal routines are alright, but don’t you want to add adventure to your life?

Breaking free will require a major commitment from you. You must find an undying belief in yourself, be prepared to work hard and have the willingness to challenge yourself to build enough momentum to escape the predictable.

It starts with a new mission. No more excuses, no more complacency, no more sitting idle as life passes you by. It starts with standing up, throwing your shoulders back and taking a leap of faith to change your world.

Here are six tips to help you break free from the norm:

1. Let go of the past.

Let go of the past. Let go of your failures. Let them float away as you move forward.

Sure, you might remember things that didn’t go your way. Learn from them, just don’t dwell them, on the could-have-beens and should-have beens. Let it all go, because that kind of mindset will only hold you back. You have the opportunity to live your life to the fullest, so grab it and hold on tight.

Is there anything you need to let go of for success?

2. Realize your purpose.

Your purpose is who you are; it’s your essence, and your dreams are to an extent limitless.

Ask yourself a few questions:

• Why am I here?
• What do I want out of life?
• What am I great at?
• What do I love to do?

Get honest with yourself. Why wait until tomorrow, next week or someday? Find out who you really are inside and release your true purpose. Then run with it and love it.

What is the meaning in your life?

3. Aim high.

We all have one life to live, one chance to reach our potential. Sometimes we’ve held our dreams down for so long, we don’t even realize our own potential anymore and where it can take us.

See the possibilities and successes instead of the obstacles. Get serious about your aspirations. Set aside some time to grow your dreams, and stretch what lies within you. No more waiting, no more standing around. Work hard and make it happen.

What’s your highest potential, and are you willing to go after it?

4. Lead with why.

Dig down deep and ask yourself, Why am I doing this?

What are you going to get out of this in the long run? How will your success affect not only you but those around you? Imagine the emotional fulfillment you will experience, the richness you will feel as you realize why you are doing things, rather than drifting without clear meaning in your life.

What is your why? Why are you here?

5. Release your inner passion.

Within us lies great emotion. It’s the essence of what makes us human.

Unleash your passion to fuel the fire within your heart and soul. Your passion can take you to great heights if you focus it and use it to fuel your purpose. Let your heart and mind steer your passion for positive outcomes toward your future.

What is your true passion? What makes you get up in the morning?

6. Empower yourself.

Take a chance on you. Acknowledge that this is the moment. Breathe in the inspiration of your dreams and feel your potential rising. It only takes one step that leads to another that leads to significant results, if you allow yourself the opportunity to try.

So dream big, but don’t dream your life away waiting for it to happen for you. Without action, your idea is just an idea.

What is within your power this moment to make your life happen?

Either you break free or you don’t. The time is now, the choice yours. It’s your time to shine, your time to fly, your time to live.

Conquer social pressure, or it will conquer you.

Do you sometimes feel like you don’t love your life? Like, deep inside, something is missing?

That’s because we are living someone else’s life. We allowed other people to influence or determine our choices—we are trying to please their expectations.

Social pressure is deceiving—we all become prey without noticing it. Before we realize we lost control of our lives, we end up envying how other people live. We can only see the greener grass—ours is never good enough.

To regain that passion for the life you want, you must recover ownership of your choices.

The Illusion of Others

You are not alone. Expectations are hard to overcome. With my experience coaching executives and their teams, I’m used to dealing with expectations—everyone is susceptible to the illusion of others.

Pleasing others is like chasing a moving target. People will have multiple hopes for you. Social pressure fluctuates—others’ expectations will continually change.

By trying to please everyone, we end up pleasing no one—ourselves included. Expectations are an illusion. That’s why most people don’t live the life they want. They feel frustrated and disappointed.

When we expect, we stop accepting reality. Anticipation is annoying—even when things go as expected, you can’t enjoy unsurprising events. Even when we get what we wished for, we can’t be happy either. That’s the problem with anticipation—we fall in love with the expectations. If what we anticipated doesn’t come true, life seems unfair. If it does, the lack of surprise makes the actual experience less exciting.

The same thing happens with people. They get frustrated when you don’t behave as they expect. That’s key to understand—it’s their problem, not yours.

Why People Expect You to Be Different

“Expectations are premeditated resentments.”

Many people bear resentment when the outcome of an event is less than they imagined it would be, even if their expectation was based on unreasonable assumptions.

Frustration is the gap between what people expect from you and who you are.

To bridge that void, you must reframe your relationship with people’s expectations. Expectations create a social contract—it’s an implicit agreement between others and you. If you don’t push back, people will assume you are okay with it.

Speak up. Or people will continue invading you. If you don’t resist, not only do you legitimize the agreement, it becomes a social practice. Soon, you’ll start doing the same to others—when you let other people define your life, you want to prescribe theirs, too.

Not expecting things from others is the first step to preventing people from dictating how you live. Life is a two-way street—when you realize that no one owes you anything, you stop expecting people to owe you anything either.

No one knows yourself better than you do. No one but yourself can choose how you live.

Fall In Love With Your Life (Again)

1. Put on your oxygen mask first.

The first step to getting rid of expectations is to treat yourself kindly. To take care of others, you have to put on your oxygen mask first—you can’t truly love other people if you don’t love yourself first. Accepting ourselves fully (flaws included) is the foundation for a long-term friendship. When we accept who we are, there’s no room for other’s expectations.

Being self-compassionate is like fresh oxygen to your mind.

Research by Kristin Neff shows that compassionate acts towards ourselves release the “feel-good” hormones. Increased levels of oxytocin make us feel comforted, calm, and connected.

2. Adjust the way you think.

You cannot control what others think about you, but you can choose how you talk to yourself. Your inner-talk can help or harm you, as I wrote here. Learn to choose your words wisely. Your expectations can put you in a box—you are the only one who can set yourself free.

You are the best person you can talk to.

Pay attention to your inner-dialogue—are you being kind to yourself or adding more pressure? Does your conversation focus on who you are and what you want to be? Or is it full of expectations of who you should be? Your dialogue should be yours, not shaped by other people’s thoughts.

3. Speak up.

People need limits—some because they are acting without noticing, others because they tend to impose their desires. Speak up. Don’t let them dictate who you are and what you should do.

People will assume the social contract is active unless you explicitly break it.

Learn to draw a line. You don’t need to be harsh, though. Just let others know when they are out of bounds—not everyone realizes when they are trying to define how you live.

4. Free yourself and free others.

When you remove your own preconceptions and expectations, you can do the same for others. Living the life you love is liberating—you don’t feel the pressure to please others. Similarly, you won’t need to impose your will on others either.

When you take ownership of your life, other people feel empowered to follow suit.

Expectations are an illusion—they add useless pressure to everyone. Let’s recover the joy of living. Remember when you were a kid. You probably didn’t have time for expectations—you were busy enjoying life one minute at a time.

5. Stop judging, stop expecting.

Expectations derive from being judgmental—when someone can’t accept how you behave, they expect you to change. By learning to be more compassionate toward yourself, not only will you ease your own expectations, but you also won’t feel the need to judge others.

Life is not perfect—removing expectations will let you appreciate your life as is.

Judgment adds frustration and negativity—perfectionists are never happy. When you let go of expectations, you create space to enjoy the here and now. Your life is not what should happen, but what is actually happening as you read these words.

Learning to accept reality is hard, but it’s a significant step towards finding calm and peace. Removing expectations doesn’t mean lowering your bar, but rather letting go of the unnecessary pressure. Only when we are relaxed can we give our best.

Any moment is a turning point if you decide to make the most of it. You are in charge. Love your life. Accept the worst and hope for the best.