I'm so lonely! | Dementia Support Forum

Dear Peace and Truth,

How wise of you to post this.
I would love to have a fix-it-now solution, but sadly I don't. I'll gladly share my thoughts for what they are worth. Probably nothing!

I know from all the psychology stuff I have read that being content stems from MEANINGFULNESS. I imagine that the way forward for you is to add a few elements of things that have genuine meaning for you.

Perhaps this is why bridge and bowls aren't hitting the spot as you had hoped. Nothing wrong with carefree passtimes, and it is wonderful that you are making this effort (not sure I am strong enough to do that). However everyone needs things that occupy our thoughts even when we are not doing those things. I suppose one could call it passion.

Just a couple of suggestions that come to mind.
You have already been down the dementia route and know your way about very well, so an 'expert' so to speak. How about volunteering twice a week to help someone who is housebound as a carer? We all know what a difference 4 hours, 2 hours twice a week, would make. Just to be free to get away, or free to talk to you, just not to be 100% responsible all the time. This would bring you in close contact with a 'needy' and grateful person on a regular basis..... and you could share your expertise. This will certainly be meaningful for the person you support. And you may get some satisfaction out of it and not be dragged in too deep, as you aren't emotionally connected like they are.

Volunteering is definitely great. I have 17 years of 'fulltime volunteering' under my belt. Everything from beach cleaning, to adult education, to womens' growth, to environmental stuff. Then I studied and got a diploma in rural development because my voluntary stuff became so meaningful I was obsessed by it. In the end our village won two world environmental oscars, one of the most meaningful experiences of my life. Of course it won't be meaningful until you get stuck in, but organisations need people who are there for the long haul..... and you'll get hooked.

Another suggestion is to have yourself checked out for depression. I have had a stint of 'environmentally caused depression' (i.e. not brain chemicals, but my situation which I was unable to change). I was very surprised at how SSRI antidepressants (I took Lexapro) altered my thinking. I remember waking up in the morning feeling happy - plain happy. I remember how pre-anti-depressants I found decision-making complicated, and I suppose I mulled endlessly over options. Later (actually only about 3 weeks later), as new neural pathways opened up, I just did it, without even thinking. Suddenly there was no choice to be made, I just knew what to do. Also I slept so well, none of the insomnia that normally plagues me, even now.

You really want to find people who have the same needs as you. So getting fit, or losing weight, or teaching adult literacy, whatever..... If it matters to you and matters to them, then the link is made.

Also, be gentle with yourself. Mum has Alzheimers and I am finding I can't cope, and that has all sorts of effects on me and my life. What you are doing for your husband, especially when he doesn't really know it is YOU, is very emotionally difficult..... as so many here know already.

Here on this forum there are several women who are alone and bereft, with husbands in care..... I see them linking up here on TP. There is nothing better than being understood. I can only empathise, but finding people in your shoes is balm to the soul. So you could write a post asking people who have husband in care and feel lonely to respond. You will get responses.

That's my thruppence worth. Hope I am not teaching you (and everyone else) to suck eggs. I just waffled on, I suppose, taking about what has got me out of lonely/alone times of my life.

Finally you could treat yourself to an hour a day on TP here. Within 10 days I'll bet you'll know plenty of people. It sounds silly to make 'friends' over the internet. But I have chatted to the most amazing people here. Valuable, wonderful, caring people.

All the best, wishing you Sunny Days Ahead, BE