Learn how to make a genuine apology

Let’s face it — most of us aren’t going to go very far in life without having to make a few apologies along the way. While some neanderthals may see an apology as a sign of weakness, most people recognize that saying, “I’m sorry” is a simple way to smooth over a difficult situation when you were in the wrong (and it even works when you may be right, but just want to move on in your relationship with the other person).

Apologies are one of those things we’re rarely formally taught how to do well. We often just muddle through them, mimicking the behaviors we’ve seen in others, and feeling like we just want to get it over with as quickly as possible. However, taking a few moments to really understand the value of a sincere apology can make your apologizing far more effective and more likely to accepted.

Here’s how to make an adept, sincere apology.

1. Apologies that are accepted are most often sincere, and sincere apologies are more likely to be accepted.

Other people seem to have a “sincerity detector,” so a fake or insincere apology won’t get very far. While some research has shown that a sincere apology has no more likelihood of being accepted than an insincere apology, apologies that are accepted are more likely to be sincere ones (Hatcher, 2011).

How do you make a sincere apology?

• Acknowledge what you did was wrong
• Accept responsibility for your action
• Make attempts to atone for the wrong you committed
• Give assurances that the transgression will not happen again

Other research suggests sincerity is indeed an important factor for forgiveness (Noble, 2006; Volkmann, 2010), so don’t think sincerity is optional. If you can’t give a sincere apology that you really believe you mean, you should probably hold off on apologizing until you can.

2. The worse the transgression, the more important the sincere apology.

Noble (2006) suggests in a study of 239 undergraduates that the severity of offense was the strongest predictor of apology acceptance. In other words, if the transgression for which you’re apologizing is a big one, the apology is going to be far more important than for small transgressions. And — according to this small pilot study anyways — it’s more likely to be accepted.

3. Avoid non-apology wording.

Some people make the mistake of thinking they are apologizing, and yet not really apologizing for the act they are accused of. You can see this in examples such as, “I’m sorry if what I said upset you,” or “I’m sorry you took it the wrong way,” or “I’m sorry that you didn’t understand what I was trying to say.”

You’re not apologizing for the other person’s feelings or for “making” them feel bad. You’re apologizing for your own behavior or things said. It may seem like an unimportant distinction, but it goes back to sincerity. The receiver of your apology has to hear that you are taking responsibility for your actions.

4. Give them some space before making an apology.

People often need time to come down from the emotional intensity of an argument or angry situation. Give the person you want to apologize some space and time before approaching them with your apology. Ensure you take responsibility for your actions, and that you’re empathetic to their point of view.

On the flip side of this, don’t wait 2 weeks to apologize. A day or two may be best (although individuals will vary), giving each side time to think about what was done or said, and to gain some insight and perspective into the situation and their motivations.

5. Be specific and don’t over-apologize.

Specific apologies are best. Apologizing for all the past hurts you’ve caused another person, or for all your previous transgressions has a lot less impact than apologizing for the specific behavior or situation you’re taking responsibility for.

Don’t over-apologize or generalize the behavior you’re apologizing for to everything you do (or that you’re a “bad person”). People want to be reassured that this was a specific issue that can be fixed.

With these few tips in mind, you can make more effective apologies that are more likely to be forgiven in the future.

Last medically reviewed on December 12, 2011

You screwed up. You inadvertently stepped on your sweetheart’s toes. Or you were in a foul mood and behaved accordingly. Or you were a knucklehead and said or did the wrong thing. Now it’s time to make amends. You know from experience that simply saying, “I’m sorry!” doesn’t cut it even if you really are sorry. So, how do you express regret in a way that your sweetie not only gets it, but is willing to forgive you?

First and foremost, don’t bother to apologize unless you really mean it. Nothing adds more insult to injury than a fake, just-saying-this-to-shut-you-up apology. The only real apology is a genuine apology.

For a forgive-me to be heard and accepted your sweetie has to believe that you understand what you did and how it made him or her feel or it’s as meaningless as the apologies little kids are forced to give when they snatch a crayon away from another little kid. The best way to do that is to recount the event, show an awareness of what happened, and acknowledge the damage. For example:

“When we were at Bill and Linda’s house for dinner and you were telling the story about having your pocket picked on our trip, I interrupted you and corrected you several times. That was rude and inconsiderate. I fully understand that I embarrassed you and that my behavior was inappropriate. I should have kept my big mouth shut and let you tell the story your way. From now on, I’m going to try harder to bite my tongue. I love you and I’m very sorry I embarrassed you and hurt your feelings.”

This type of apology:

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• Acknowledges and validates your sweetheart’s feelings;
• Shows that you take accountability for your actions; and
• Gives your sweetheart assurance that it won’t happen again because you’ve expressed awareness of what you should have done.

Once you have given a genuine apology, the ball is now in your sweetheart’s court. Forgiveness may depend in large part on your history. If you’ve apologized in the past for the same behavior, your sweetie may have a more difficult time accepting your apology—again. You see, forgiveness isn’t unconditional. It comes with the tacit (or express) understanding that the forgiven behavior won’t be repeated. A surefire way to have your apologies accepted is to have a good track record.

If you’ve made a genuine apology but your sweetheart isn’t ready to accept and, instead, wants you to jump through a few even-the-score hoops, be careful. Answer questions if your sweetheart has them, repeat your apology if necessary, fill in what may have been missing the first go ‘round, but don’t grovel. You do not need to sacrifice your dignity by begging, pleading, and hoop jumping. That’s likely to lead to a bitter argument and resentment.

Reconciliation takes two: one to apologize and one to forgive. Remember that the next time your sweetheart needs your forgiveness. If you want your sweetie to be generous with forgiveness, you do the same.

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission from the author.

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How To Make A Genuine Apology

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A real apology must have each of three key components.

Posted August 31, 2012

You screwed up. You inadvertently stepped on your sweetheart’s toes. Or you were in a foul mood and behaved accordingly. Or you were a knucklehead and said or did the wrong thing. Now it’s time to make amends. You know from experience that simply saying, “I’m sorry!” doesn’t cut it even if you really are sorry. So, how do you express regret in a way that your sweetie not only gets it, but is willing to forgive you?

First and foremost, don’t bother to apologize unless you really mean it. Nothing adds more insult to injury than a fake, just-saying-this-to-shut-you-up apology. The only real apology is a genuine apology.

For a forgive-me to be heard and accepted your sweetie has to believe that you understand what you did and how it made him or her feel or it’s as meaningless as the apologies little kids are forced to give when they snatch a crayon away from another little kid. The best way to do that is to recount the event, show an awareness of what happened, and acknowledge the damage. For example:

“When we were at Bill and Linda’s house for dinner and you were telling the story about having your pocket picked on our trip, I interrupted you and corrected you several times. That was rude and inconsiderate. I fully understand that I embarrassed you and that my behavior was inappropriate. I should have kept my big mouth shut and let you tell the story your way. From now on, I’m going to try harder to bite my tongue. I love you and I’m very sorry I embarrassed you and hurt your feelings.”

This type of apology:

• Acknowledges and validates your sweetheart’s feelings;
• Shows that you take accountability for your actions; and
• Gives your sweetheart assurance that it won’t happen again because you’ve expressed awareness of what you should have done.

Once you have given a genuine apology, the ball is now in your sweetheart’s court. Forgiveness may depend in large part on your history. If you’ve apologized in the past for the same behavior, your sweetie may have a more difficult time accepting your apology—again. You see, forgiveness isn’t unconditional. It comes with the tacit (or express) understanding that the forgiven behavior won’t be repeated. A surefire way to have your apologies accepted is to have a good track record.

If you’ve made a genuine apology but your sweetheart isn’t ready to accept and, instead, wants you to jump through a few even-the-score hoops, be careful. Answer questions if your sweetheart has them, repeat your apology if necessary, fill in what may have been missing the first go ’round, but don’t grovel. You do not need to sacrifice your dignity by begging, pleading, and hoop jumping. That’s likely to lead to a bitter argument and resentment.

Reconciliation takes two: one to apologize and one to forgive. Remember that the next time your sweetheart needs your forgiveness. If you want your sweetie to be generous with forgiveness, you do the same.

Shela Dean is a nationally recognized Relationship Coach, bestselling author, speaker, and the creator of her trademarked ReDate Your Mate program designed to help all couples, regardless of the state or stage of their relationship, regain their Relationship Mojo by bringing the best of dating into their marriage. Shela helps couples have more intimacy in all areas of their life. She has an uncanny ability to make complex concepts easy to understand and even easier to apply to everyday life, and a unique blend of humor, insight, and practical meat-and-potatoes approach capped with a “cut to the chase” energy that makes it fun to embark on a self-improvement course.

Apologizing can renew trust, soothe hurt feelings and return the lifeblood to a damaged relationship. But when someone hurts you and gives you a fake apology, it can make things worse, not better.

How can you recognize when someone is not authentically apologizing? Here are the 12 most common non-apology apologies:

I am sorry if . . .

This is a conditional apology. It falls short of a full apology by suggesting only that somethingmight have happened.

Examples: I am sorry if I did anything wrong I am sorry if you were offended

I am sorry that you . . .

This is a blame-shifting apology. It is no apology at all. Rather, it puts the onus on you as the problem.

Examples: I am sorry you felt hurt I am sorry you think I did something wrong I am sorry you feel I am so bad

I am sorry but . . .

This excuse-making apology does nothing to heal the wounds caused.

Examples: I am sorry, but most other people wouldnt have overreacted like you did I am sorry, but other people thought it was funny I am sorry, but you started it I am sorry, but I couldnt help it I am sorry, but there was truth to what I said I am sorry but, you cant expect perfection

I was just . . .

This is a justifying apology. It seeks to argue that hurtful behavior was okay because it was harmless or for a good cause.

Examples: I was just kidding I was just trying to help I was only trying to calm you down I was trying to get you see the other side I was just playing devils advocate

I have already . . .

This deja-vu apology cheapens whatever is said by implying that there is nothing left to apologize for.

Examples: I already said I was sorry I have apologized for that a million times

I regret . . .

This sidestepping apology equates regret with apologizing. There is no ownership.

Examples: I regret you felt upset I regret that mistakes were made

I know I . . .

This whitewashing apology is an effort to minimize what happened without owning any hurtful effects on you or others. The whitewash may seem self-effacing but on its own it contains no apology.

Examples: I know I shouldnt have done that I know I probably should have asked you first I know I can sometimes be a bull in a china shop

You know I . . .

This nothing-to-apologize-for apology tries to talk you out of your feelings or imply that you shouldnt be upset.

Examples: You know I am sorry You know I didnt mean that You know I would never hurt you

I will apologize if . . .

This pay-to-play apologyis not a clean, freely offered apology. Rather, you have to pay to get it.

Examples: I will only apologize if you apologize I will apologize if you agree never to bring it up again I will say I am sorry if you will just stop talking about it

I guess I . . .

This is a phantom apology. It hints at the need for an apology, but never gives one.

Examples: I guess I owe you an apology I guess I should say I am sorry

X told me to apologize . . .

This is a not-my-apology apology. The person is saying he or she is apologizing only because someone else suggested it. The implication is that it would have never happened otherwise.

Examples: Your mother told me to come apologize to you My friend said I should tell you I was sorry

Fine! Im sorry, okay!

This is a bullying apology. Either in words or tone you are given a grudging Im sorry but it doesnt feel like an apology. It may even feel like a threat.

Examples: Okay, enough already, I am sorry for chrissakes Give me a break, I am sorry, alright?

Faux apologies such as these 12 seek to avoid responsibility, make excuses, shift blame, downplay what was done, invalidate or confuse the hurt or offended person, or move on prematurely.

A true apology, by contrast, has most or all of the following characteristics:

• Is freely offered without conditions or minimizing what was done
• Conveys that the person apologizing understands and cares about the hurt persons experience and feelings
• Conveys remorse
• Offers a commitment to avoid repeating the hurtful behavior
• Offers to make amends or provide restitution if appropriate

An authentic apology starts with listening. If you seek to apologize, you first need to hear what happened from the other person’s point of view and how it affected them.

As therapist and author Harriet Lernerwrote in the Psychotherapy Networker, No apology will have meaning if we havent listened carefully to the hurt partys anger and pain. More than anything, the hurt party needs to know that we really get it, that our empathy and remorse are genuine, that their feelings make sense, that we will carry some of the pain weve caused, and that we will do our best to make sure theres no repeat performance.

People issue faux apologies for several reasons. They may not believe they did anything wrong or just want to keep the peace. They may feel embarrassed and want to avoid the feelings. They may feel shame about their actions but feel unable or unwilling to confront their shame.

People who consistently fail to apologize may lack empathy or have low self-esteem or a personality disorder. As Lerner wrote, Some people stand on a small, rickety platform of self-worth. Theyre unable to own up to the hurt theyve caused because doing so threatens to flip them into an identity of worthlessness and shame. The non-apologizer walks on a tightrope of defensiveness above a huge canyon of low self-esteem.

Copyright Dan Neuharth PhD MFT

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Former Vice President Joe Biden takes the stage to speak to the International Association of . [+] Firefighters at the Hyatt Regency on Capitol Hill in Washington, Tuesday, March 12, 2019, amid growing expectations he’ll soon announce he’s running for president. (AP Photo/Andrew Harnik)

It isn’t easy to apologize. It requires humility, putting aside your pride, admitting you were wrong and asking for forgiveness. To make someone feel better after you have wronged them is even more difficult. In this moment in history, in this era of #metoo and #timesup people are starting to be held accountable for poor behavior, and are being asked or forced to atone. Learning to atone for wrongdoing in a gracious manner and leading with your actions is becoming an integral part of leading a public life, keeping your job and an integral part of helping people move on.

This morning former Nevada assemblywoman Lucy Flores published an Op-Ed in the The New York Times discussing her uncomfortable experience with presidential candidate Joe Biden, and wrote how he is an example of someone “in the gray area,” someone who is not a bad person, someone who has done good things, especially for women, but also someone who isn’t exactly sorry for the times he’s failed them or misbehaved. But Flores emphasizes that we need to allow people to apologize, especially people in the gray area (as most people are) and more importantly, when they apologize and illustrate their growth with their actions, forgive them. It is the best way to hold people accountable, but allow them to move on. She writes,

We tend to forget that candidates are people; people are imperfect, and they should be allowed to evolve. If all we do is call people out and demand accountability, but don’t give them credit for actually doing what is asked, then we’re not working for change — we’re working to make ourselves feel righteously outraged by shaming everybody else. But evolution can’t come without a genuine effort to seek atonement.”

Now more than ever, knowing how to apologize is a crucial skill to help maintain good professional and personal relationships. But what makes a good apology? Here are a few tips on how to make a good apology:

Apologize Quickly And Profusely

If you realize you are in the wrong, apologize as quickly, sincerely and profusely as possible. The longer you wait to apologize, the longer the issue will fester, and perhaps it will be compounded by other miscommunications or actions snowball into a much larger conflict. The sooner you apologize, the sooner you can move on and get past this.

Take Full Responsibility

When you are apologizing, it is not the time to tell people they are partially to blame. When you apologize, you take full responsibility for your part of the conflict. If you try and hold people accountable during an apology it will be interpreted as hollow and insincere. When you bring someone else’s actions into your apology, it sounds like you’re skirting responsibility and that you’re not sincerely apologizing, you’re attempting to get the other person to acknowledge their responsibility in the conflict rather than taking responsibility for yours. Apologize quickly, profusely, and accept responsibility for your mistakes. That way the apology will sound sincere, people will be more likely to acknowledge their part. But even if they do not, they will be more inclined to accept your apology and move on.

State Your Plan To Make Things Right

Depending on the situation, whether is it perhaps a miscommunication on a work project or an unintentional personal offense, make sure to tell the person you are apologizing to how you’re going to make it right. So if there was a miscommunication with a colleague, make sure to apologize clear the air and make sure the communication is corrected. If there is a personal issue with a friend or family member, make sure to let them know how you will be better in the future and reassure them this won’t happen again. If you broke something, replace it. If you blew off a plan, make sure to make it up to them. Go the extra mile to rebuild trust, you will be happy you did the right thing.

State The Value Of Your Relationship

It is always meaningful to let people know how much you value them. If you say your personal/professional relationship means a lot to you, so much in fact that you would never intentionally inconvenience, hurt or offended them in any way, that vulnerability helps ease any tension or defensiveness that lingered, and helps them see your apology is sincere.

I’m a twentysomething freelance journalist, writer and blogger in New York City. I write about everything I’ve done wrong as a twentysomething woman here in the trenches.

I’m a twentysomething freelance journalist, writer and blogger in New York City. I write about everything I’ve done wrong as a twentysomething woman here in the trenches. Take my advice at your own risk.

Saying Sorry for a Mistake

Losing your cool in a meeting. That Tweet you really shouldn’t have sent. Gossiping about a colleague. We all make mistakes, and sometimes hurt people through our behavior, words and actions – intentionally or by accident.

That’s why we all need to know how to apologize. It isn’t always easy to say you’re sorry, but it’s the best way to restore trust when you’ve done something wrong.

In this article, we’ll explore why apologies are so important, and look at how to say sorry for a mistake you’ve made.

Click here to view a transcript of this video.

What Is an Apology?

An apology is a statement with two key elements. It:

1. Shows you feel remorse over your actions.
2. Acknowledges the hurt that your actions caused to someone else.

Why Apologize?

Sincere apologies help to rebuild relationships with people you’ve hurt. That could be colleagues, clients, friends, or family.

By owning up to your mistake, you open a dialog with the other person. That way, you can reflect on and take responsibility for your actions. And they can process their feelings, restore their dignity, and avoid blaming themselves for what happened.

Apologizing can help you to act better in the future, maintain your self-respect, and restore your integrity in the eyes of others.

Your apology may not be accepted right away, but you’ll likely feel relieved that you’ve done the right thing and tried to make amends for your mistake.

Consequences of Not Apologizing

What happens if you don’t apologize for your mistakes? Well, you could damage your relationships, harm your reputation, and even limit your career opportunities. After all, no one wants to work with someone who can’t take responsibility for their own actions.

If you’re a manager or team leader refusing to apologize also negatively affects your team and sets a bad example. The resulting animosity, tension and pain can create a toxic work environment.

Why Are Apologies Difficult?

So, why do some people still avoid saying “I’m sorry”? First, apologizing takes courage. It puts you in a vulnerable position, leaving you open to attack or blame. Some people struggle to be this brave.

Or, you may be so full of shame and embarrassment over your actions that you can’t bring yourself to face the other person.

You may even feel under pressure to apologize when you’ve not done or said anything wrong. While unfair criticism can happen, it’s important to reflect on why the other person feels aggrieved. You may be missing something that does require an apology – or may lead to reconciliation.

How to Apologize Properly

Psychologists Steven Scher and John Darley present a four-step framework that you can use to apologize. [1]

Express Remorse for a Mistake

Promise That It Won’t Happen Again

How to Show Remorse for a Mistake

Every apology should start with two magic words: “I’m sorry,” or “I apologize.”

For example, you could say: “I’m sorry that I snapped at you yesterday. I feel embarrassed and ashamed by the way I acted.”

Your words need to be sincere and authentic . Be honest with yourself, and with the other person, about why you want to apologize. Never make an apology when you have ulterior motives, or if you see it as a means to an end.

An Example of Admitting Responsibility

When apologizing, it’s tempting to explain your actions. But these can be perceived as excuses and shifting blame.

For example: “I’m sorry that I snapped at you when you came into my office yesterday. I had a lot on my plate.” In this case, you excuse your behavior because of stress, and you imply that the other person was at fault because they bothered you on a busy day.

Instead, admit responsibility for your actions or behavior, and acknowledge what you did. You need to empathize with the person you wronged, and show that you understand how you made them feel.

It’s better to say, “I know that I hurt your feelings yesterday when I snapped at you. I’m sure this embarrassed you, especially since everyone else on the team was there. I was wrong to treat you like that.”

Words You Can Use to Make Amends

When you make amends, you take action to make the situation right. Here are two examples:

• “If there’s anything that I can do to make this up to you, please just ask.”
• “I realize that I was wrong to doubt your ability to chair our staff meeting. I’d like you to lead the team through tomorrow’s meeting to demonstrate your skills.”

Think carefully about this step. Token gestures or empty promises will do more harm than good. Because you feel guilty, you might also be tempted to give more than what’s appropriate – so be proportionate in what you offer.

How to Promise It Won’t Happen Again

Finally, reassure the other person that you’re going to change your behavior. This is vital for rebuilding trust and repairing the relationship.

You could say, “From now on, I’m going to manage my stress better, so that I don’t snap at you and the rest of the team. And, I want you to call me out if I do this again.”

Make sure that you honor this commitment to prove your trustworthiness and accountability.

Worried that your apology won’t come out right? Write down what you want to say, and then role-play the conversation with a friend. But don’t practice so much that your apology sounds staged or insincere.

How to Say Sorry in Writing

According to relationship psychologist Nicole McCance, it’s always better to apologize face-to-face than to say sorry in a letter or email.

Apologizing in person lets you show your sincerity with non-verbal cues such as facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language . [2]

If this simply isn’t possible, here’s an example of how to write an apology:

I’m sorry for interrupting your presentation yesterday. I feel embarrassed by the way I acted – and the aggressive tone I used.

I know that I hurt your feelings. And I’m sure you must feel frustrated, especially as you had great points to share with the team. I was wrong to put my interests above yours and the wider team. From now on, I’m going to work on my self-control.

If there’s anything I can do to make this up to you, please do ask.
My sincere apologies,

Sincere Apologies May Take Time

Keep in mind that the other person might not be ready to forgive you for what happened. Give them time to heal.

For example, after you make your apology, you could say, “I know that you might not be ready to forgive me, and I understand how that feels. I simply wanted to say how sorry I am. I promise that it won’t happen again.”

Finding This Article Useful?

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The Three Parts of an Effective Apology

“I’m sorry” isn’t enough—Christine Carter explains what else needs to be said.

People make mistakes all the time. Not just bad people, or weak people. All people. Our mistakes are what make us human. And even when we don’t think that we’ve made a mistake, other people will often find errors in our ways. We human beings are walking offenders.

Here’s the real question: If we’ve done something that offends someone else—whether or not we feel we are to blame—should we apologize?

I believe that it almost always serves our highest good to apologize if we’ve hurt or offended someone else—even if we think the offended person’s anger is unjustified, or if we have a perfectly good excuse for what happened. Or if our intentions were all good.

Often, the impact of our action is not what we intended. But here’s the thing: Impact matters much more than intention. Our happiness is best predicted by the breadth and depth of our social connections—our relationships with friends, family, partners, spouses, neighbors, colleagues—and so broken or fraying connections are usually worth repairing.

We don’t repair a fissure in one of our relationships by ignoring it. (We have a saying in our family: You can sweep sh*t under the rug, but it is still going to smell.) And we don’t repair it by blaming someone else, or defending our actions. We initiate a repair by apologizing.

But all apologies aren’t created equal, of course. (All parents have watched children spit out a forced “SORRY!” and known it was worthless.) A good apology is something of an art.

So what makes a good apology? After studying that question extensively, Aaron Lazare developed perhaps the most robust criteria to date for effective apologies. Drawing on Dr. Lazare’s work, I’ve whittled down his ideas to the following three-step method for making a good apology.

Step 1: Tell them what you feel

Usually, we start by saying “I’m sorry” to express remorse. “I’m sorry” is more effective when we elaborate on our remorseful feelings. For example, “I’m so sorry and sad to hear that my lack of communication has made you so angry and resentful.” Or, “I’m so sorry and embarrassed that my comment caused such an uproar.”

Just share the remorseful feelings, please. It is not constructive is succumb to—and share—feelings of resentment or defensiveness, like, “I’m sorry…you’re being so petty and critical.”

Step 2: Admit your mistake AND the negative impact it had

This is the hardest part, because it requires admitting responsibility for our actions or behavior. This can feel impossible if we don’t really think we did much wrong, or if our intentions were good.

Ask yourself: How is the other person feeling? What did I do that caused that feeling? Could I have done something differently?

Then acknowledge these things. Empathize with the offended person; the most important thing is that you demonstrate that you are trying to understand how they feel. (Don’t apologize until you actually do understand how they are feeling; if you can’t put yourself in their shoes, your apology will ring false.)

For example: “I can see that my comment hurt your feelings, and that you are feeling misunderstood and uncared for.”

Or to your partner you might say, “I know that it was wrong of me to call you out in front of the whole family, and that you are angry because I’ve hurt your credibility with the kids. I’m sure that was embarrassing, and it was a mistake for me to do that.”

More on Apology

Read Aaron Lazare’s book On Apology

This is where most of us are tempted to offer an explanation for our behavior. When in doubt, leave the explanation out; trying to explain away our actions can seem like we’re being defensive, or making excuses. (Remember, the point is to repair the relationship, not make the other person see that you were right.)

If you need to shed light on why you did what you did, be careful to continue to take responsibility for the negative impact you had. Saying, “I really didn’t know that you would be offended” is an excuse, not a good explanation. Whining that you didn’t intend for the other person to be hurt doesn’t shed light on anything. More effective would be saying, “It is no excuse for standing you up, but I want you to know that my stepfather had just had a stroke, and I was so frantic to get to the hospital that I forgot to call you.”

If you do offer an explanation, it can help to reiterate your mistake and again acknowledge how the other person feels: “Again, I’m so sorry that I didn’t call you, and that you were stuck there waiting for me for an hour. I can only imagine how upset, worried, and angry you must be.”

Step 3: Make the situation right

Good apologies include a reparation of some kind, either real or symbolic. Maybe you create an opportunity for the person you embarrassed to regain credibility. Or perhaps you admit your mistake to others, too, as a part of the reparation. In many relationships, a hug is a great reparation.

Often, all we need to do is explain what we are going to do differently the next time so that we don’t repeat the offending action or behavior. This helps us rebuild trust and repair the relationship.

If you aren’t sure how to make it right, just ask, “Is there anything I can do to make this up to you?”

Above all, deliver on any promises you make. When we feel guilty or embarrassed, sometimes we over-correct in our attempt to gain forgiveness. If the person is asking for something that you can’t give, say so, and say that you will give some thought to what you can give to make it up to him or her.

Knowing how to apologize well is at the top of my Sweet Spot Manifesto. It’s a life skill I want my children to practice and master. And it’s one that I’m still working on myself.

When has an apology made all the difference in your life? Leave a comment below.

Are you craving one of these apologies? Whenever I talk or write about making apologies, people often respond by wishing that someone else would apologize to them. If this is you, please leave your story in the comments—I will try to address your situation in a future post.

If you’re looking to repair a relationship or make up for a mistake, author Molly Howes, Ph.D., has the book for you.

Howes, a psychologist and author, channeled her clinical experience into a new book that details how to make an apology and why it matters.

“I saw a lot of hurt, and much of it seemed unnecessary,” Howes told TMRW. “It seemed to me that it might be possible to repair the harm. . Many of us, historically anyway, have thought that when something goes wrong, that’s the end of the story. And I don’t think that has to be the end of the story. I think something else is possible.”

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Howes said that in her view, the model of making an apology is “very hopeful” and might lead to more relationships being mended.

“I hate waste, and I think relationships get wasted,” she said. “Connections get wasted, people lose relationships that they could still have, and it’s better for us to have our relationships, health-wise, longevity-wise and happiness-wise.”

Here are the keys to making a sincere apology:

1. Understand the injury

Howes said that to start your apology process, you first need to “understand the injury” that has been inflicted upon the other person.

“You have to learn about what their hurt consists of,” she said. “Ask them and listen. During that step, nothing about you, the apologizer, matters — not your intentions or your general good nature or anything. It’s just about the other person’s hurt.”

2. Express regret

Once you understand what you’ve done to hurt the other person, Howes said it’s time for the second step: Making the apology itself.

“Make a statement of regret and empathy and responsibility, what we usually think of as an apology,” she said. “You don’t have to say ‘I’m sorry,’ exactly, but you could.”

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3. Take responsibility through restitution

In legal matters, you might have to make amends financially, but when it comes to relationships, making things right is “rarely material,” Howes said.

“It’s usually symbolic,” Howes said. “The most likely kind of restitution in a relationship is a do-over, trying again and doing the thing that you failed to do the first time.”

4. Establish a plan to never repeat the wrongdoing

Taking responsibility might seem like the end of the process, but Howes said that there is one oft-forgotten step that ends the apology: ensuring that the hurt will not be done again.

“You have to establish a convincing plan that will change the conditions enough so that you aren’t set up to repeat them,” she said.

Howes added that once the apology process is complete, a relationship can move on to reconciliation and reconnection — and the communication created by the apology process can often improve a relationship.

“It’s better than it was before,” she said. “The two people have learned about each other, learned about themselves and they’ve gotten through a hard thing together. They’ve kind of built a new support structure, which is still with them afterward, and that can make people feel more confident in their relationship going forward. They know they can handle it if something comes up again.”

What can you do if someone doesn’t accept your apology?

Howes said that while she thinks the method is usually successful, there’s no guarantee that your apology will be accepted or that your relationship will return to how it was before.

In some cases, you can try going through the method again.

“If the hurts are big, often it takes more than one try to repair it,” Howes said. “Patience is important. If you’re trying to make things right with someone you hurt, they might not be ready. They might still be too hurt or raw or mad, and so it behooves you to try again.”

Howes said that it’s also important to make sure you’re taking the other person’s feelings into account, and working on their timeline rather than your own.

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“Sometimes an apology isn’t made or initiated in an open and curious way; it’s sort of announced and forgiveness is demanded,” Howes explained. “That can cause the other person to say, ‘No, no way, too bad. I’m not interested.’ But (making an apology) an invitation to a conversation is much more likely to end up involving both people working on it together.”

In some cases, though, Howes said an apology may never be accepted — and the person who has done harm has to understand that.

“It sucks, because then you’re stuck with it . but you have to honor it,” she said.

If you do find yourself in a situation where your apology isn’t accepted, there are some things you can do to apologize vicariously. Howes suggests writing pretend letters, where you put everything you’d like to say on paper but never mail it.

In some more severe cases — as an example, a car accident where the driver caused injury to a stranger — you can accept your responsibility for what happened and try to make amends.

“You can learn about the injury and harm you caused someone, and then try to help people who are hurt like that,” she said. In the car accident example, it could be teaching young people how to avoid making similar driving mistakes. “There are things you can do, even if you can’t do it for one specific person. You can’t restore the balance with them, you can’t make them whole, but you can do something about restoring the community you harmed.”

How to express genuine guilt and regret.

Posted Dec 14, 2012

THE BASICS

• The Importance of Forgiveness
• Find a therapist near me

Over the Thanksgiving holiday, I said something hurtful to someone I care about. It got me thinking about how to make a genuine apology, and the emotional obstacles that stand in the way of saying “I’m sorry.”

Nobody likes to admit he or she is wrong, for starters. Most of us want to believe we’re sensitive and that it’s other people who are the problem. Also, the guilty feelings that come with recognizing you’ve hurt someone else, along with the shame you feel when you see yourself behave badly, aren’t easy to tolerate. Typically we’ll try to defend against those painful feelings by justifying ourselves.

In my own case, I noticed I kept telling myself that the hurtful thing I’d said was actually true. I would focus on the other person’s irritating behavior; although I never told myself so in these exact words, the implication was that he deserved to be told. Repeated self-justification, in the form of mental “arguments” in which you keep trying to convince yourself or somebody else that you’re in the right usually mean just the opposite. Eventually I recognized my fault.

So how to apologize? Here is my cardinal rule for how to frame an apology: genuine apologies never contain the words “if” or “but.” For example, never say, “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings,” or “I apologize for being insensitive, but such-and-such happened earlier . ” Those words have the effect of rescinding the apology by either calling the injury into doubt or assigning true responsibility elsewhere. I’ve often heard people tell me, “I’m sorry if I came across too strong in what I said to you,” or something similar; those apologies always felt half-hearted. I notice that once I decide I’ve done something wrong and begin to frame an apology, “if” or “but” always appears in the first draft.

Second, keep it simple and straight-forward then step back. I’ve heard other advice which holds that any genuine apology must include the asking of forgiveness. I completely disagree. In those cases where I’ve been hurt and eventually received an apology, even in those rare cases where it did not contain the word “if” or “but,” by the time the person apologized I was too angry to offer genuine forgiveness in the moment. It takes a while for an apology to sink in; you have to leave the person room to get over feeling angry with you for the hurt. Besides, asking for forgiveness demands something of the other person — that he or she immediately exonerate you by putting an end to your feelings of guilt and shame. By asking for forgiveness, you once again shift responsibility off your own shoulders.

An apology should be a completely one-sided communication, an acknowledgement of guilt and regret on your side, asking nothing in return. You don’t have to grovel. Just give your apology and accept that it may take time to repair the damage. If we’ve done or said something especially hurtful, we may have seriously scarred the relationship. I recall one friendship that I permanently damaged by telling the truth in a deliberately hurtful way (although I didn’t recognize it at the time) and then offering an apology that included the word “if.”

Tolerating real, possibly lasting guilt and regret are part of tendering a true apology.

Try it yourself and make a genuine apology. For most of us, it shouldn’t be too difficult to identify bad behavior on our part. Feel your resistance to owning up, listen for the self-justifications. Try to isolate the other’s person’s behavior or any contributing factors from your own misdeeds; take full responsibility for the hurt you inflicted.

Frame your apology, beginning with the words “I’m sorry,” then edit it carefully. Make sure not to include the words “if” or “but”; make no reference to anything the other person did that might qualify your statement of regret.

Then step back and leave the other person alone with your apology. Don’t demand forgiveness. Accept that you may have to live with guilt and regret despite having apologized.