Meltdown Madness 132/Ascension Anarchy 109 [All RPs go here]
Matthew Perez
Published Apr 04, 2026
A Link To The Win
Scene fades in to a line of tents in a desert village. Most of the tents are red although one of them, much larger than the rest, is purple. There is also a bunch of tall grass around the purple tent. Blackjack Theron the Kokiri Hero has traveled with his ally Diamond the Gerudo Thief to a Gerudo settlement within the land of Faerule to seek information on his randomly determined match at the next set of gladiatorial events from Chaos Sorcerors, the masters of the random, in Hint Tents in a courtyard at the Gerudo settlement. Angle zooms in to the entrance of the courtyard the tents are in, and we saw a spiky haired figure dressed in green tunic enter the courtyard. It is Blackjack Theron. Next to Theron is a dark tanned man with red hair and blue clothing. This is Diamond, Theron's ally. Diamond is a Gerudo Thief who speaks in a somewhat Guldovian accent, which is similar to common speak, but he says "CHA" instead of "you". Above the two heroes is a large banner hung between two pillars that reads "HINT TENTS" in large letters.
Theron: Now that we've arrived in your homeland, the realm of the Gerudo, the first objective is to find out who my next opponent is. Is this the right place?
Diamond: You betCHA! The wisdom thatCHA seek surely must be here. If anyone knows the secret of who CHA are facing at Burnup Badness or Elevation Excitement, it will be one of the Chaos Sorcerors in the Hint Tents.
Theron looks around at the many red tents, then at the purple one for a moment. He keeps looking at the big purple tent, then over to face Diamond.
Theron: Why's that one purple?
Diamond: I actually do not know. That one was not here back when I last came here. Why donCHA go find out? Just do beware whatCHA ask, Chaos Sorcerors are very random.
Theron: Couldn't hurt. Here goes!
He walks into the first red tent he sees. Inside is an old man with a long white beard in a red robe.. The Old Man is sitting on a pillow on the floor, with his head facing down.
Theron: Hi. I hear you may have some information on who I may be facing in battle soon. I'm wondering if you'd be able to tell me exactly who that is, considering it is a randomly determined contest.
The Old Man, who had been facing the floor, looks up at Theron and the two make eye contact.
Old Man Red: Michelangelo Tempest Hates Certain Kind Of Sound!
Theron: So I'm facing Michelangelo Tempest, huh? I faced him last year at this event. Should be a fun rematch. What kind of match are we competing in, another Weapon Store Brawl?
Old Man Red: Michelangelo Tempest Hates Certain Kind Of Sound!
The Hero raises an eyebrow.
Theron: Is that all you can say....?
Old Man Red: Michelangelo Tempest Hates Certain Kind Of Sound!
Confusion quickly turns to frustration on Theron's facial expression. Old Man Red keeps staring at Theron with a straight face.
Theron: Yeah, you're no help.
Old Man Red: Michelangelo Tempest Hates Certain Kind Of Sound!
Blackjack Theron exits the tent and looks at Diamond, who laughs.
Diamond: I toldCHA they were weird! Try another one!
With a shoulder shrug, Theron goes inside the red tent to the right of the one he was just in a moment ago. Inside is a man in a blue robe, with a white beard resembling the Old Man Red from the other tent. This old man is leaning up against the wall, in between two torches that are lit. The old man is looking at the left wall of the tent.
Theron: Hey. So I was wondering if you could let me know who my next opponent is.
The old man looks over at Theron and speaks.
Old Man Blue: Kaiser Dislikes Smoke.
Theron: Kaiser, eh? Maybe it's Kaiser and Kain Nectarslice against myself and a myster partner.... Do I get a tag team partner in this match, and will Kaiser's Tag Team Championship be on the line? Maybe they'd have me team up with Lucien Montesanto again.... And what makes you think Kaiser doesn't like smoke?
A moment of silence passes, then Old Man Blue responds.
Old Man Blue: Kaiser Dislikes Smoke.
Theron: Lovely. You're as useless as the other guy was.
He exits the tent and walks over to Diamond.
Theron: I thought you said these tents were informative.
Diamond: Why donCHA try one more?
Theron: Fine, but if this one has another old man trolling me with pointless one liners, we're gonna try something else.
Diamond: They aren't trolling. It's cryptic messages.
The thief sidekick's remark is met with an eyeroll from Theron, before the hero goes into the tent next to the one that Old Man Blue was in. Inside he finds a man with a green robe and a long white beard as long as the other two. This old man is looking at an owl statue which is to his right.
Theron: Hey.... Would you be able to tell me who my next opponent will be?
The old man turns away from the statue, and looks at Theron with a straight face.
Old Man Green: Go To The Next Tent.
Theron: No, I'm asking you. Who am I fighting in my next match?
Old Man Green: Go To The Next Tent.
The frustration is building up in Theron, who facepalms and makes a fist with both hands.
Theron: Forget the cryptic nonsense, just tell me! My friend said you guys supposedly know everything!
Old Man Green: Go To The Next Tent.
Theron: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard you the first time.
The Natural 21 turns to exit the tent with a groan as Old Man Green faces the owl statue again. Theron exits the tent while grumbling to himself. Once outside, Theron entertains the thought that Old Man Green may actually have truly HAVE had a cryptic message for him. He looks to the tent next to Old Man Green's. It just happens to be the big purple tent with all the tall grass surrounding it, the largest tent and also the only one in the whole Hint Tent courtyard that isn't red.
Theron: Hmmmm.... Maybe that old man was on to something after all.
Upon walking past the tall grass surrounding the purple tent, Theron finds a blue rupee. He puts it in his bag of holding and enters the purple tent. The first thing he notices are that there are three doors. The left door has a sign that reads "Civic - Magenta Chaos Sorceress", the middle door has sign that reads "Kayak - Golden Chaos Sorceror", and the door on the right has a sign that reads "Racecar - Purple Chaos Sorceor". Theron opens the middle door and enters the chamber. Inside he sees an old man in a golden robe, with yet another long white beard like the others had.
????: Need some help? If you're looking for information on randomly determined events then I guarantee you I have it.... for the right price.... Name's Kayak the Gold, but you can just call me Kayak.
Theron: Alright, Kayak.... I'm looking to find out who I will be fighting at the next gladiatorial event. I was advised that the Chaos Sorcerors here know the answer, but so far I have been met with meaningless one-liners. I'm going to play along here and assume you don't just say that exact same thing again when I ask you this question. Who's my next opponent?
Kayak: Need some help? If you're looking for information on randomly determined events then I guarantee you I have it.... for the right price.... Name's Kayak the Gold, but you can just call me Kayak.
Theron: Oh you have GOT to freaking be kidding me. Does every old man in this town say only one THING!? What's the next one going to say, "I'm a farmer"!?
The golden Chaos Sorceror bursts into laughter for a couple of seconds then takes a deep breath and responds to Theron.
Kayak: Ahhhhh! Got you! No, those guys in the red tents prefer the cryptic format with no other actual hints, but I can say other things. In fact, I say all sorts of random things. Same goes for my brother and sister who are in the chambers to my left and right. Then there's our cousin sdrawkcaB who lives down in the basement and speaks backwards, but trust me, you don't wanna talk to him. Anyway, the four of us in our family speak more than one cryptic line.
Theron: Well, that's a relief. So.... The next show that I'm going to be in a battle at is one that is randomly determined. I'll either be on a show called Burnup Badness or another one called Elevation Excitement. Could you tell me who my opponent will be? My friend Diamond, a Thief who hails from these lands, said you have the answer.
Kayak: I do have the answer you seek. I don't answer questions for free though. It'll cost you. How many rupees do you have?
After a quick peek in his bag of holding, Theron notices the blue rupee he picked up outside Kayak's tent is the only currency he has on him at the moment.
Theron: Just a blue one.
Kayak: That's worth 5. You need at least a thousand more before I could reveal information of THAT magnitude, I mean, come on. This is the Gladiator Shuffle. A randomly determined special round, generated by my brother Racecar himself. Us Chaos Sorcerors have to be able to make a living too you now. We can't all have great paying jobs with full time benefits like The Narrator from Doctor Anderson's RP.
Theron: Who....?
Kayak: That Dr Anderson RP Narrator owes me big time too. I told him I would help him stop the descriptive paragraphs from going on strike if he simply named me as his beneficiary, but NO! So much for that trade. Those two specific descriptive paragraphs are probably NEVER coming back now.
Blackjack scratches his head.
Theron: What are you TALKING about....?
Kayak: Irrelevant. Either pay me 1,005 rupees or try one of the others in this tent. My sister Civic is on the left but might I warn you, her accent is very weird. There's also my brother Racecar in the chamber on the right, he's the one who legitimately generated the battle card, but I hear you two have some bad history. Lastly there is our backwards speaking cousin downstairs but, there's that whole talking backwards thing. I'm your best chance. Trust me.
Theron: We'll see about that.
He exits Kayak's chamber and walks back into the first room, opening the door on the left to Civic's chamber. Inside he sees a pink haired female sorceress wearing a magenta robe.
Civic: Hollo. Mo nomo's Covoc Tho Mogonto Choos Sorcoross. Os thoro somo onformotoon thot yoo sook?
Theron: What....?
Civic: Osk mo yoor qoostoon ond thon O woll govo yoo tho hont yoo noodod. O know thot yoo bottlod N Tho Nocromoncor ond Tho Cottong Tool long ogo os woll os Mocholongolo Tompost lost yoor. Wont mo to toll yoo who yoo bottlo thos yoor?
Theron: I... don't understand your accent.... I think I heard you say "long ago" but the rest sounded like it was like another language.
Civic: Yooh no ono ovor ondorstonds mo. Os ot roolly thot toogh? O jost soffor from o condotoon thot torns ovory vowol on ovory word thot o soy, woth tho oxcoptoon of "Y", onto on "O"....
Theron: Yeah.... sorry.... I'm gonna try the other guy. Thanks though!
Civic: Porhops yoo woll ondorstond Rococor or Koyok moro cloorly thon mo. Good lock ond goodbyo.
He exits Civic's chamber and is back in the first room with the three doors. He looks over at the door on the right.
Theron: Kayak said I have bad history with this guy. Wait a second.... Racecar....? No, it can't POSSIBLY be the same guy.... Can it?
He carefully opens the door on the right to Racecar's chamber. He sees a Chaos Sorceror in a purple robe with a red beard speaking to another traveler, a merchant wearing an orange hood. Theron listens to the conversation.
Racecar: Sure I'll tell you the names of the competitors I placed in random matches. I do this every year, you know, young warrior NPC!
Hooded Guy: So tell me. I'm looking to sell out the entire arena, but I have to inform the townspeople of who is fighting. I want information on the featured competitors of both nights, Burnup and Elevation. Give me Burnup's list first.
The hooded merchant takes out a piece of paper and a pen, ready to write down the match card.
Racecar: Ok.... So on Burnup we got Who's in the first match, I Have No Idea for the second match, Nobody's in the third match, then we got Somebody in the fourth match, When's the main event, and-
Hooded Guy: Whoa, just a second. Nobody....? What happened to the third match? Who was supposed to be in the third match?
Racecar: No. Who is fighting first.
Hooded Guy: No, you tell ME who is fighting first.
Racecar: Yes.
Hooded Guy: Ah, Yes. That makes perfect sense. Yes is that new rookie rumored to be making his debut. What a better way to start off the event than with the first ever match of Yes!
Racecar: No. Yes isn't cleared to compete and therefore will not be at this event. Otherwise I would have put him in the fourth match against Somebody or in the third match against Nobody.
The hooded merchant throws his pen at the wall and screams angrily.
Theron: (Voice-over) Yep, same guy. I feel sorry for the hooded man. A year ago I was in a very similar conversation with Racecar and goodness, it was not worth it. If Racecar made the randomly generated match card again this year then I can rest assured it will be random.... but I refuse to put up with his ridiculous mind games. Civic's accent is impossible to decipher.... Guess I'm stuck with Kayak then.
The Hero reluctantly goes back inside Kayak's chamber.
Kayak: I knew you'd be back. Couldn't understand Civic could you? No one can. She and I were practicing spells once and we had just learned the random nature of Chaos Sorcery. With no knowledge of the outcome she had me cast a spell on her. It ended up being a spell that changed her manner of speaking to where every vowel of every word she says, with the exception of "Y", gets turned into an "O". Could be worse though. I could have turned her into the number "38". Instead of being an attractive pink haired caster with a bizarre speaking manner, she'd instead be a big "3" and a big "8" next to each other. Wouldn't that be weird? It's happened before to my uncle Otto. He got turned into the number 38 by my Mom once back when THEY were practicing Chaos casting in a similar situation to my sister Civic and I. Always expect the unexpected with us Chaos Sorcerors!
Theron: Yeah.... Nothing your sister said made sense under that accent spell. Also, I've dealt with Racecar before. I'd rather try your agreement instead. I don't know where I'll find a thousand more rupees at this time though.
Kayak: You could always cut down all the tall grass outside my tent. Feel free to keep any rupees that you might find under it.
Theron: Seriously? I don't have time for that.... Fine. If that's the only way I find out my opponent, then so be it. I want to have an advantage going into the battle, I'd know who the opponent is but they wouldn't know they are facing me. Guess I'll go cut the grass down outside then.
He begins to leave but Kayak stands up before Theron gets to the front of the entrance to the chamber.
Kayak: Wait.... It's dangerous to go alone out there. You better take this with you.
Kayak throws Theron a Kokiri Sword, Theron turns around in time to see it and catches it by the hilt.
Theron: Looks a bit basic, but for grass cutting it should work fine.
Kayak: The reference clearly went over your head, kiddo.
Theron: Huh?
Kayak: Forget it. Don't come back without the Rupees. I'll be in here doing all sorts of random mysterious Chaos Sorceror stuff. If you finish the task fast enough I might just reveal to you the stipulation of your match too.... that's the full extent of the details of your match information for only 2,005 rupees. I'll tell you all about your match when you give me the rupees. Or maybe I won't tell you anything and I'd just take the rupees and run. Or maybe I summon a Meteor that destroys this whole town. Or, better yet, I might just sit here eating a sandwich while telling you a story about an empty box named Larry who is friends with a pencil named Iggy. Never can tell what you'll get with us Chaos Sorcerors, we're so random! Oh, one last thing. I lost my collector's edition Yoshi Doll, can't find it anywhere. Let me know if you find it out there.
Theron exits the purple tent. Outside we see Diamond walking around with his iTome out, looking for monsters to catch via the popular application "CompartImp stART". Theron begins cutting down all the tall grass with the Kokiri Sword. Among the remains of the tall grass he finds some Arrows, Seeds, and most importantly he also finds over four thousand rupees. He also finds a Yoshi Doll. Theron looks at it and and grins for a moment, before placing the Yoshi Doll in his bag of holding.
Theron: Look what we have here....
The Thief turns off his iTome and walks over to Theron.
Diamond: DidCHA find whatCHA needed?
Theron: I have enough rupees to purchase the information that the Chaos Sorceror inside wants, but I don't trust the guy. I have a better idea. I'm keeping this Yoshi Doll, the Kokiri Sword he lent me, and all the rupees I found too. Here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna go on either Burnup Badness or Elevation Excitement, whichever one Racecar randomly put me on, and I win my match. Then I use all these rupees I just found to take Kirilah Heart on a date to celebrate.
Diamond: There's a nice restarant owned by a Zora in town thatCHA could take her to. ThinkCHA will win?
Theron: Absolutely. It could be tag team match with a mystery partner where we win against Kaiser and Kain for the Tag Team Championship. It could be a triple threat elimination match where the winner gets to enter as one of the final entrants in the Risky Raffle. Maybe I end up facing Neil Ranger and win back my Extra Life that he's holding. It might be a 2 on 1 handicap match where I team up with another gladiator to face against Antonio Manoosko. Or perhaps I face my former hero Tidarthian and take his Global Championship which I once held. It's possible I could get picked to face Augustus Redlands and end his Expert Championship reign far earlier than he ever thought it would end. Heck, I could even potentially get randomly placed in a match with Garr Fahl and shock the world by winning the World Gladiatorial Heavyweight Championship for the second time without even having the top contendership status for it. I'm ready to win no matter WHO it is or what the stipulation is!
The Gerudo sidekick claps happily at the thought of Theron winning a title by random chance, then he leans up against the purple tent, which they are still standing by.
Diamond: That certainly would be brilliant if they putCHA in a title match thatCHA were to win! What about the Chaos Sorceror, didCHA make a deal with him? And whatCHA gonna do with that Yoshi Doll?
Theron: He asked me to give him that Yoshi Doll if I found it, but how do I know he won't trick me and take the rupees without giving me my match information? Chaos Sorcerors aren't the only ones who can do something unexpected. I'm keeping it all including the doll. Maybe I'll trade it for something cooler from the Zoras when I'm at the restarant with Kirilah Heart. That jerk wanted his doll back? Change of plans. Just like this round of shows, The Gladiator Shuffle. It always changes plans, every year. Champions have to go in not knowing if their belts are on the line. Money can be won. Contenderships can be set. Every year something big changes at the Shuffle round. This year will be no different, and the reason for the change of plans will be ME when I win!
Blackjack pulls out his new gladiatorial in-ring name's namesake, his Blackjack card deck.
Theron: Pick a card, Diamond.
The Thief picks a card from the deck and shows it to Theron.
Diamond: It's the Ace Of Spades.
Theron: That, Diamond, is the fate of my next opponent. It doesn't matter if I'm in there with a newcomer like Deis Bluesnake or a legend like Tiberius Scorch. Whoever got picked to face Blackjack Theron this week is gonna get dealt the Ace Of Spades.... because I'm Blackjack Theron.... and I'm gonna make them fold!
Angle zooms in on the card for a moment, before the scene fades to black.
