My mom is dying and my dad won’t let go.
Sebastian Wright
Published Apr 05, 2026
This is a difficult position and Im sorry you are in it.
A very similar thing happened to my inlaws. My FIL had vascular dementia and my MIL sacrificed herself to look after him. She hid everything from the family so that although we knew he had dementia none of us knew what looking after him entailed. I look back with the knowledge I now have and I honestly dont know how she survived. Eventually, he too ended up with a UTI and ended up in hospital. He was treated, but the infection overwhelmed him and he passed away. When someone dies from dementia, stopping eating and drinking is part of the process but MIL still tried to keep feeding him in a futile attempt to keep him alive. He kept turning his face away to refuse the food, but she would be chasing after him with a spoon until she had got him to eat a few mouthfuls.
At least she didnt insist that we were there when she couldnt be. I think you will have to decide yourself how often you can visit and stick to it. You will probably have to be firm with your dad, which Im sure wont be easy. You wont be able to do anything about the way he is spending the whole day with her, though.
It can take a long time for people with dementia to die. The body closes down slowly over days and weeks. My mum went 17 days with no food or fluid whatsoever. Sometimes people do rally and start eating and drinking again. There are also physical changes that happen near the end which are harrowing to see, but will alert the doctors and nurses that the end is mere hours away. I guess that your dad is not expecting it to go on for so long. I think he fears that, although he is doing his best to keep her, she could pass away at any moment and there would be no-one with her
