Sex Relationships | Dementia Support Forum

barker said:

Would it be so wrong for us to seek solace together before it is too late

In my opinion, frankly, nobody who is not - or has not been - in precisely the postion you are in has any ability to judge right or wrong, appropriate or inappropriate.

As someone who has been there - not identically of course - perhaps I can say a thing or two. All entirely my own views.

The loss to dementia of a beloved partner is a long and dreadful thing. It comes in stages, and, long ago now I turned my relationship to a platonic one with my wife as her condition progressed. I'm not a religious soul, but to me, throughout my life, sex has never been a thing in isolation - it has always been organically bonded in love, and a two-way thing between the partners. Love and sex were always alphabetical in their presentation.

When a young onset wife is lost to her husband - and clearly there is no difference t'other way about - then the remaining spouse/partner remains younger than they should be at such a stage. Not that I felt it [I was 43 when our nightmare started] - I felt accelerated a couple of decades.

For me, with the love needing to come first, and the seeming impossibility of that ever again, I simply wrote off the rest, pretty much writing off myself as a result.

You mention a spark.

I found a spark, or rather, it found me/us. That spark grew and, without prejudicing my wife's care, or the love I have for her, I found something very special in someone we both already knew. I also found something in myself, never wished for or sought - the ability to love both of these fine women, without causing hurt to either.

It is all an area that few write about and some are harshly judgmental about. In my opinion, they are not worth even thinking about. I have found that most people are accepting, if not delighted for those concerned - as long as any partners are not hurt in the process. For me, that meant late stage dementia had to be the fact, not a future expectation, before my heart brain and body would permit anything else.

None of which stopped me weeping for my wife's condition as I drove home this afternoon.

I wish you luck.