Vicious, vindictive sisters | Dementia Support Forum

Thanks for your IT tips - I'm copying and pasting from a word doc this time - safer

Answers to some questions:

Re. the money issue, this may seem hard to believe, given what’s going on, but I come from a family which is well-known and well-respected in the area where we live. Nobody (me included) wants to make this story public knowledge and we certainly don’t want to get the police involved. The SW was hell bent on going to the police at the beginning, but we managed to talk her out of it and we don’t even want to raise the issue with her again in case she changes her mind. Even the decision to get a solicitor involved was a difficult one and we (i.e. my brother and I) chose a solicitor who lives some considerable distance away.

The COP business is still not resolved, and in any case, when it is I will have nothing to do with finances. This will be in the hands of my brother and the sister who threw the Kylie sheet etc., at me!! So far, she has done nothing to try to push the matter forward and once again, this has fallen to me, since I’m the one who opened this particular can of worms and I’m the one living hand-to-mouth for the past 10 months.

Re. outside care, I do have some help in the home. My brother pays for private help, but this girl’s role is mainly to cook and clean for the 6-7 other people (immediate and extended family and workers) who come here Mon-Sat. When she goes home and on the days when she is not here, I have that job to do alone in addition to looking after my mother. The Health Service did offer to provide a carer to get mum up in the morning and put her to bed at night, and I did try it for a while, but she could only come at ridiculously early hours at both ends of the day and it proved to be more hassle than it was worth. Extra care would have to be paid for and we can’t afford it at the moment.

Re. toiletting etc., Yes, it's certainly an unpleasant job and to be honest I didn't think I would ever be able to handle it, but I have taken it in stages and now power-hosing bedlinen outside, among other things, has become quite routine!

Re. how my sisters are involved, my mother was extremely ill and in hospital from November 2011, but pulled through. When she was to be discharged, we were called to a family meeting at the hospital to discuss what the next step should be. Each of my sisters in turn was asked if she could/would care for my mother and each came up with an excuse to get out of it. I was last to be asked and I said I would do it. This was something my sisters never dreamt of. They were completely floored and infuriated by my reaction. “Judas!” one of them spat in my face as we left the meeting room.

But my troubles were only starting: although the consultant gave instruction that mum was to be discharged into my care, when I went to collect her from the hospital I was told by the Sister on the ward that I couldn’t have her! Mum was to be admitted to a nursing home because that is what my sisters wanted! I had an enormous struggle with various members of the Health Service before I finally managed to get mum home. And when I got her home, my sisters – with support from the SW – decided that they would come in pairs on 2 days a week – their choice of days and times – I wasn’t consulted but was expected to show my gratitude for their support! One pair also insisted on coming on a Monday night and leaving early on the Tuesday morning – totally unnecessary, but done to “flex their muscle” and impress the SW. In a very short time, they go bored with staying over on that night, so they didn’t bother to turn up from then on. Needless to say, nothing was ever said or done. So, effectively, although I am registered as my mother’s main carer and spend over 120 hours a week looking after her, the SW has given my sisters the right to behave as they wish. I have been cheated on so repeatedly by members of the Health Service that I trust none of them, I respect none of them (apart from the DN) and I want as little as possible to do with them. Ditto my sisters, whom I hope I never set eyes on again when this is all over.

Thank you all for your support - Wabbit